When I was in high school I hung around a bunch of girls whom I considered to be my BFFs. There were eight of us from the same elementary school and we quickly became the "in" group. Ha, this high school thing was going to be a breeze after all.
Oftentimes I would hear my friends talk about this girl named "Pilar," whom they didn't like very much. Actually, they hated her with a passion. They made fun of her manners and appearance (she "developed" early). I often wondered who she was and when asked, they said she was someone they met somewhere. Oh, okay.
Well, a year later, I finally met Pilar. Turned out she was me.
To say that I was crushed and hurt would be an understatement. They apologized. I forgave them. We moved on. But that betrayal affected me the rest of my high school years and maybe even college. Even now when I talk to my high school classmates, I still feel a twinge of hurt. It's not very discernable but it's there. As I see it, the only thing good that came out of high school was I met my husband there. (And there are days when I feel differently. LOL!)
Later on in life, I formed connections but not deep friendships. Who wants all that cattiness?
My loose-friendship phase continued through my marriage. Most of my friends were wives of DH's co-workers. However, their lifestyle is far different from mine - they love going to Vegas, gambling, drinking, fancy jewelry and designer purses. Okay, the purses I can sort of relate to but one can't have deep, enduring, abiding friendships based on Louis Vuitton-envy alone. So for years, I resigned myself that as far as friends are concerned: this is as good as it will ever get.
When I became a Christian, I prayed for divine connections.
God answered that prayer in April 2008. I was looking for a new bible study group and found one closer to home and met on weeknights. The fact that it was an all women's group was also a plus.
Was I in for a surprise. I walked in and met seven women of different backgrounds and nationalities: a real estate agent, an actress, a security agent, a county worker, an admin for the police deparment, a government worker who quit her job to adopt a son from Ethiopia, and a kind hearted stay at home mom who takes in every stray -mostly of the human variety.
I love them! They are open with their struggles and challenges. They are equally lavish with their encouragement and praise. They have prayed for me, with me and over me. They have cried with me and laughed with me. They continue to walk with me and lift me especially on those days when I feel alone. Every Thursday night I come home with joy and a full heart.
Seven women who replaced the seven girls who hurt me deeply those many years before. Each of them handpicked by God because I never would have picked them for myself. (Well, we all know how my picks turned out, don't we?)
But God was not done yet. He gave me more than I asked.
I was encouraged by this post to start a blog. When I did, it opened up a whole new world for me. I found like-minded Christian women who also struggle with their marriages, with child rearing, with their Christian walk, with illnesses - and are not afraid to write about it. Every morning I visit them and walk away learning a little more about them - and myself. I continue to be encouraged - and humbled. I learn from her, and her, and her, and the many others whom God sends my way daily. I don't know if I will ever meet these ladies this side of eternity but I consider them my morning blessings.
And I thank God for each and every one of them.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Friday, July 24, 2009
On Being a Mighty Warrior
One of the things my pastor said the other night was that women are to be The Mighty Warriors for the kingdom. Our family is under attack by the enemy and we need to stand with our husbands - as a helpmeet - to guard and protect our families. He said the Proverbs 31 wife is a powerful ally.
Suddenly, I know how Gideon felt.
What? Me? Really? A Mighty Warrior? To do battle against satan and his minions? I can't even get my son to pick up his socks off the floor.
Being a Mighty Warrior is easy to do if the husband is walking with the Lord. But, what if my husband is not standing with me? What if he's in his recliner, watching television? Yes, Lord, this Proverbs 31 wife-wannabe is waiting for her husband to be a Psalm 1 man.
Oh, I long for my husband to walk with the Lord so he can be the spiritual leader of our family. Right now, I am carrying that mantle and it is hard. It is a daunting task. The thought of being responsible for the spiritual growth and eternal destinies of my children (AND their children) scares me. What if I mess up? (In fact, thinking back to the events of this past week alone, I know I have messed up.)
Lord, please help me not to be afraid to stand up for you - to be Your Mighty Warrior, whether my husband comes alongside me or not. Help me to start in my world - where you have me right now. Amidst the mess, the laundry, the cooking, the grocery shopping, the cleaning, the budgeting, the being unappreciated, the repetitiveness and the mundane. Help me to see You and to remember that I have a mission from the King. And no mission is too small for Your kingdom.
Help me, please. I need You.
Fill me with Your spirit. Help me to shine here. And in turn, have my boys catch the light and may they also glisten, no, not just glisten, may they impact their own worlds like fireworks on the 4th of July. I want them to be on fire for You!
You know my weaknesses. You know the state of my vessel, Lord. Broken spirit, weak vascillating, emotional, temperamental and impatient. But what I have learned from this and the other conferences you have brought me to is that perfection is not mandatory - nor expected. You just want a willing heart. That - I have. And that is all I can offer You.
Thank you, Heavenly Father.
Suddenly, I know how Gideon felt.
What? Me? Really? A Mighty Warrior? To do battle against satan and his minions? I can't even get my son to pick up his socks off the floor.
Being a Mighty Warrior is easy to do if the husband is walking with the Lord. But, what if my husband is not standing with me? What if he's in his recliner, watching television? Yes, Lord, this Proverbs 31 wife-wannabe is waiting for her husband to be a Psalm 1 man.
Oh, I long for my husband to walk with the Lord so he can be the spiritual leader of our family. Right now, I am carrying that mantle and it is hard. It is a daunting task. The thought of being responsible for the spiritual growth and eternal destinies of my children (AND their children) scares me. What if I mess up? (In fact, thinking back to the events of this past week alone, I know I have messed up.)
Lord, please help me not to be afraid to stand up for you - to be Your Mighty Warrior, whether my husband comes alongside me or not. Help me to start in my world - where you have me right now. Amidst the mess, the laundry, the cooking, the grocery shopping, the cleaning, the budgeting, the being unappreciated, the repetitiveness and the mundane. Help me to see You and to remember that I have a mission from the King. And no mission is too small for Your kingdom.
Help me, please. I need You.
Fill me with Your spirit. Help me to shine here. And in turn, have my boys catch the light and may they also glisten, no, not just glisten, may they impact their own worlds like fireworks on the 4th of July. I want them to be on fire for You!
You know my weaknesses. You know the state of my vessel, Lord. Broken spirit, weak vascillating, emotional, temperamental and impatient. But what I have learned from this and the other conferences you have brought me to is that perfection is not mandatory - nor expected. You just want a willing heart. That - I have. And that is all I can offer You.
Thank you, Heavenly Father.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Mind Boggling
God sure works in mysterious ways.
This afternoon I stopped by the library to drop off the book my younger son borrowed. On the way out, I stopped by the books for sale section. To my amazement, amidst the romance novels and outdated computer books were these two: The Fall Feasts of Israel and The New Strong's Complete Dictionary of Bible Words. (Okay I also found Personality Plus by Florence Littauer which I bought from Amazon last week. It's an old book. What are the odds? There it was on sale for fifty cents. Had I waited, I could have saved money...but that is another post.)
Anyway, on a normal day I would have bypassed those books. But today it was serendipitous that I found them because Pastor Mark Biltz of El Shaddai Ministries came to our church tonight. This is his second visit. The first was in June 2008. He said that every time an eclipse falls on a feast day of Israel, something big happens.
Oh, boy, was he was right!
September 29, 2008 was the Feast of Trumpets. What happened that day? Our stock market went down 777.7 points which was a 7% change and then came the $700 billion bailout. All the 7's! Our pastor said it is like God is sending us a message that He is in control, we are to rely on him alone and not our investments.
Today there was a solar eclipse seen throughout Asia. Today also happens to be a feast day of Israel. The 1st of Av. I wonder what is going to happen in the fall?
The new dictionary came in handy. I was surprised to find that not only was it a regular bible dictionary but it also had Hebrew and Greek translations. So when Pastor Mark was saying the Hebrew words I was able to look them up. He said a lot of things that I cannot even process. There was so much information and revelation that my head might just explode. In the coming days, I will try to write about what I learned and sort it all out. I cannot do justice to it in one sitting. We really cannot comprehend the mind of God.
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,"declares the LORD. Isaiah 55:8
Bottom line: We are to be ready but we need NOT be afraid. God is in control.
Thank you, Jesus!
This afternoon I stopped by the library to drop off the book my younger son borrowed. On the way out, I stopped by the books for sale section. To my amazement, amidst the romance novels and outdated computer books were these two: The Fall Feasts of Israel and The New Strong's Complete Dictionary of Bible Words. (Okay I also found Personality Plus by Florence Littauer which I bought from Amazon last week. It's an old book. What are the odds? There it was on sale for fifty cents. Had I waited, I could have saved money...but that is another post.)
Anyway, on a normal day I would have bypassed those books. But today it was serendipitous that I found them because Pastor Mark Biltz of El Shaddai Ministries came to our church tonight. This is his second visit. The first was in June 2008. He said that every time an eclipse falls on a feast day of Israel, something big happens.
Oh, boy, was he was right!
September 29, 2008 was the Feast of Trumpets. What happened that day? Our stock market went down 777.7 points which was a 7% change and then came the $700 billion bailout. All the 7's! Our pastor said it is like God is sending us a message that He is in control, we are to rely on him alone and not our investments.
Today there was a solar eclipse seen throughout Asia. Today also happens to be a feast day of Israel. The 1st of Av. I wonder what is going to happen in the fall?
The new dictionary came in handy. I was surprised to find that not only was it a regular bible dictionary but it also had Hebrew and Greek translations. So when Pastor Mark was saying the Hebrew words I was able to look them up. He said a lot of things that I cannot even process. There was so much information and revelation that my head might just explode. In the coming days, I will try to write about what I learned and sort it all out. I cannot do justice to it in one sitting. We really cannot comprehend the mind of God.
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,"declares the LORD. Isaiah 55:8
Bottom line: We are to be ready but we need NOT be afraid. God is in control.
Thank you, Jesus!
Friday, June 26, 2009
On Letting Go
Lord,
My firstborn son is now 18. Where has the time gone? In a couple of months, he is heading off to college. He will be on his own. May I confess something? It terrifies me.
Do You remember the prayers that I have prayed for him daily? There were different variations but they were more or less prayers for his safety. I had no clue what I was doing when we took him home from the hospital. I felt inadequate and overwhelmed. I still do some days. But somehow he managed to thrive and grow -- inspite of his inexperienced parents.
Can you stand one more prayer? It is this: may he fulfill the purpose You have in mind for him long before he was born.
I cannot go where he is going (although I had a dream the other night that I am enrolled in his English class). I cannot tell him what to do. Or more importantly, what NOT to do. I cannot protect him. But, Lord, I know You can. I hold on to Your promise that You will never leave him nor forsake him. There is no safer place for him to be than in Your care. He is his own person now.
Thank you Lord, for giving him to me. He is a wonderful son - kind, patient (must not be hereditary), funny, gentle and compassionate.
And now, Lord I give him back to you. I hope I have raised him to Your satisfaction.
My firstborn son is now 18. Where has the time gone? In a couple of months, he is heading off to college. He will be on his own. May I confess something? It terrifies me.
Do You remember the prayers that I have prayed for him daily? There were different variations but they were more or less prayers for his safety. I had no clue what I was doing when we took him home from the hospital. I felt inadequate and overwhelmed. I still do some days. But somehow he managed to thrive and grow -- inspite of his inexperienced parents.
Can you stand one more prayer? It is this: may he fulfill the purpose You have in mind for him long before he was born.
I cannot go where he is going (although I had a dream the other night that I am enrolled in his English class). I cannot tell him what to do. Or more importantly, what NOT to do. I cannot protect him. But, Lord, I know You can. I hold on to Your promise that You will never leave him nor forsake him. There is no safer place for him to be than in Your care. He is his own person now.
Thank you Lord, for giving him to me. He is a wonderful son - kind, patient (must not be hereditary), funny, gentle and compassionate.
And now, Lord I give him back to you. I hope I have raised him to Your satisfaction.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
On Obedience
Saturday morning I found myself in the middle of the Concourse. Looking into trashcans. In the rain.
What am I doing here?, I asked myself as I cautiously eyed a homeless man doing the same thing on the opposite side. Great, now, he thinks he has competition.
God brought me there.
The night before the place was teeming with freshly minted high school graduates and their proud parents. Leis of orchids. Balloons. A sea of purple robes amidst flashing lightbulbs.
We made it through the graduation ceremony. Pomp and Circumstance (I cried). His speech (I was nervous). The commencement speaker asked the boys to thank their parents. Son looked back, I caught his eye and we both smiled (I cried, yet again). I love my son and the connection we have.
When it was all over, he had to seek all his friends. He gave me the cards that were given to him from the time they exited to when we finally found him. Forty-five minutes it took to say goodbye to everyone.
When we got home, he opened the cards he received. But one was missing. He was sure that his grade school principal handed him an envelope. We could not find it. He also lost the "2009" pin from his tassel.
Which led me to Saturday morning. God put it in my heart to go back and look for the envelope and the pin.
Um, really, Lord? We have to get ready for his graduation party at 2:00 p.m. You want me to drive all the way downtown to look for an envelope and a pin?
How do you know when it's God and when you are just sleep deprived?
So I went. Found a parking meter and put my quarter in. It gave me 12 minutes.
I saw remnants of purple orchids, little pieces of paper, a new sweater (I know it's new because the tag from Ross was still there), lots of Starbucks cups but I did not find the envelope, nor the pin. I did find a brand new book on Quantum Mechanics on top of the trashcan. I took that with me thinking someone must have left it behind from last night. But why were they reading during a graduation ceremony? And Quantum Mechanics of all things.
As I was walking aimlessly from trashcan to trashcan I thought of Abraham when God asked him to leave his family and go to a place where He will lead him. Did Abraham have the same questions I had? Did he feel foolish like I did? Did he have to look through trashcans?
I don't know.
I also don't know why I went there that morning.
As I was heading out to the car, I saw a homeless woman a few feet away. She was securing something in her shopping cart. Should I? I was fearful but I approached her, took the $20 from my purse, handed it to her and said "God bless you." She said "God bless you" back and I walked away.
I had a minute left in the meter.
What am I doing here?, I asked myself as I cautiously eyed a homeless man doing the same thing on the opposite side. Great, now, he thinks he has competition.
God brought me there.
The night before the place was teeming with freshly minted high school graduates and their proud parents. Leis of orchids. Balloons. A sea of purple robes amidst flashing lightbulbs.
We made it through the graduation ceremony. Pomp and Circumstance (I cried). His speech (I was nervous). The commencement speaker asked the boys to thank their parents. Son looked back, I caught his eye and we both smiled (I cried, yet again). I love my son and the connection we have.
When it was all over, he had to seek all his friends. He gave me the cards that were given to him from the time they exited to when we finally found him. Forty-five minutes it took to say goodbye to everyone.
When we got home, he opened the cards he received. But one was missing. He was sure that his grade school principal handed him an envelope. We could not find it. He also lost the "2009" pin from his tassel.
Which led me to Saturday morning. God put it in my heart to go back and look for the envelope and the pin.
Um, really, Lord? We have to get ready for his graduation party at 2:00 p.m. You want me to drive all the way downtown to look for an envelope and a pin?
How do you know when it's God and when you are just sleep deprived?
So I went. Found a parking meter and put my quarter in. It gave me 12 minutes.
I saw remnants of purple orchids, little pieces of paper, a new sweater (I know it's new because the tag from Ross was still there), lots of Starbucks cups but I did not find the envelope, nor the pin. I did find a brand new book on Quantum Mechanics on top of the trashcan. I took that with me thinking someone must have left it behind from last night. But why were they reading during a graduation ceremony? And Quantum Mechanics of all things.
As I was walking aimlessly from trashcan to trashcan I thought of Abraham when God asked him to leave his family and go to a place where He will lead him. Did Abraham have the same questions I had? Did he feel foolish like I did? Did he have to look through trashcans?
I don't know.
I also don't know why I went there that morning.
As I was heading out to the car, I saw a homeless woman a few feet away. She was securing something in her shopping cart. Should I? I was fearful but I approached her, took the $20 from my purse, handed it to her and said "God bless you." She said "God bless you" back and I walked away.
I had a minute left in the meter.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Dear Mom
I don't know if you get updates in heaven but guess what? The high school called to tell me that C is the class Salutatorian! Can you believe it?!?
But I can't tell him until Friday because they want to surprise him during the awards ceremony. The secretary told me we can have more than the allotted 8 tickets. And we get VIP front row seats, too. All I need to do is to give her the names of the attendees.
So I e-mailed G to tell him of his son's accomplishment. He's in Barcelona right now. And we were in the middle of an inter-continental tiff but all that is all water under the bridge now. (I hope.)
I was bursting with pride. But when I called Auntie W to share the news and ask if she could go in your place, suddenly I was bursting in tears.
The reality of your death hit me again. I know it has been almost 5 years. But everytime there is a special occasion in C's life, your absence is magnified even more.
I missed you when the principal called to say that he placed 2nd in the School's Entrance Exam and is eligible for a four year scholarship...
I missed you when he gave his Valedictory address in 8th grade...
I missed you when we attended the Outstanding Student's Banquets at the end of his freshman and sophomore years...
I missed you when he turned 16, then 17...
I missed you when we made the trip to the East Coast to look at colleges...
I missed you when he got his driver's license...
I missed you when received the college acceptances...
I missed you during the trip to Stanford for Admit Week...
And next Friday during the Commencement Exercises when C gives his speech, I know I will miss you. Auntie W will be sitting on the seat you were supposed to occupy if cancer did not take you from us...
I just want to let you know that C has turned into a wonderful young man - sleeps a lot and has trouble parking but a caring, sensitive son, brother and friend nonetheless. You were his prayer warrior when he was growing up. Every single one of those prayers were answered by the looks of it.
And I want to thank you for that.
I miss you, Mom. When I get to heaven, you'll be the first person I'm going to look for. Then we'll catch up.
Until then...
Love,
T
But I can't tell him until Friday because they want to surprise him during the awards ceremony. The secretary told me we can have more than the allotted 8 tickets. And we get VIP front row seats, too. All I need to do is to give her the names of the attendees.
So I e-mailed G to tell him of his son's accomplishment. He's in Barcelona right now. And we were in the middle of an inter-continental tiff but all that is all water under the bridge now. (I hope.)
I was bursting with pride. But when I called Auntie W to share the news and ask if she could go in your place, suddenly I was bursting in tears.
The reality of your death hit me again. I know it has been almost 5 years. But everytime there is a special occasion in C's life, your absence is magnified even more.
I missed you when the principal called to say that he placed 2nd in the School's Entrance Exam and is eligible for a four year scholarship...
I missed you when he gave his Valedictory address in 8th grade...
I missed you when we attended the Outstanding Student's Banquets at the end of his freshman and sophomore years...
I missed you when he turned 16, then 17...
I missed you when we made the trip to the East Coast to look at colleges...
I missed you when he got his driver's license...
I missed you when received the college acceptances...
I missed you during the trip to Stanford for Admit Week...
And next Friday during the Commencement Exercises when C gives his speech, I know I will miss you. Auntie W will be sitting on the seat you were supposed to occupy if cancer did not take you from us...
I just want to let you know that C has turned into a wonderful young man - sleeps a lot and has trouble parking but a caring, sensitive son, brother and friend nonetheless. You were his prayer warrior when he was growing up. Every single one of those prayers were answered by the looks of it.
And I want to thank you for that.
I miss you, Mom. When I get to heaven, you'll be the first person I'm going to look for. Then we'll catch up.
Until then...
Love,
T
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
"Will You Love Him for Me?"
In that time between awake and asleep, God asked me that question.
I couldn't answer Him. Not right away anyway. I got up and the question kept coming "Will you love him for Me?"
But why does "he" make it so hard, Lord? Did you hear him when I asked him why he was up so early? A simple question, right? I know you heard him snarl, "WHAT TIME DO YOU THINK I SHOULD GET UP?"
Huh?
I left for work with tears in my eyes.
Lord, you know he has been like that the last few days -- years, really. I know he is busy at work. I know he is worried about the court hearing. I know Mother's Day is coming up and he did not bother to get me anything. Again. I know all that.
I understand the stress. Really, I do.
It's the same stress I feel when he refuses to work on the budget with me. It's the same stress I feel when he does not do what he says he is going to do. It's the same stress I feel when I see him -- or rather, don't see him on weekends because he is at his parents' house. You know, the one with the stalker.
Why does he make it so difficult?
You might as well ask me to hold my breath for three days, Lord, it might be easier than loving my husband. Oh, I've done that. Held my breath for three days and came back to life.
Yeah, well, you're God, I'm not. Look to Me, I will help you.
But it hurts. I know.
You trust Me? Yes. I don't know, maybe. It really hurts, Lord. I'm sorry. I can't answer that right now.
I couldn't answer Him. Not right away anyway. I got up and the question kept coming "Will you love him for Me?"
But why does "he" make it so hard, Lord? Did you hear him when I asked him why he was up so early? A simple question, right? I know you heard him snarl, "WHAT TIME DO YOU THINK I SHOULD GET UP?"
Huh?
I left for work with tears in my eyes.
Lord, you know he has been like that the last few days -- years, really. I know he is busy at work. I know he is worried about the court hearing. I know Mother's Day is coming up and he did not bother to get me anything. Again. I know all that.
I understand the stress. Really, I do.
It's the same stress I feel when he refuses to work on the budget with me. It's the same stress I feel when he does not do what he says he is going to do. It's the same stress I feel when I see him -- or rather, don't see him on weekends because he is at his parents' house. You know, the one with the stalker.
Why does he make it so difficult?
You might as well ask me to hold my breath for three days, Lord, it might be easier than loving my husband. Oh, I've done that. Held my breath for three days and came back to life.
Yeah, well, you're God, I'm not. Look to Me, I will help you.
But it hurts. I know.
You trust Me? Yes. I don't know, maybe. It really hurts, Lord. I'm sorry. I can't answer that right now.
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