Happy New Dream

Our pastor always gives us a word for the year. For 2010, that word is HOPE.

It's a good thing, too because 2010 did not start the way I imagined it.

For Christmas, a friend gave me a copy of Hinds' Feet on High Places. As I read it though, I have this weird feeling that I am living the book! Has that ever happened to you? Lately, I have noticed that my journey seems to parallel that of little Much Afraid. I had some inkling into it when the word "wilderness" kept popping up for me the last couple of weeks. I suppose in preparation of what is to come. Sure going to the High Places sounds magnificent and I would like to reach new heights for God but I'm not thrilled that for her guides He chose Sorrow and Suffering. (I'm not big on sorrow nor suffering.)

My husband and I are having trouble communicating with each other - mostly about the "leaving and cleaving" concept. When is he going to realize he is not his family's savior? He cannot keep trying to rescue them from the consequences of their choices.

I spent the first night of the new year - our 24th wedding anniversary, in fact - soaking my pillow with tears and wondering if we will even reach our silver anniversary. Hello, Sorrow and Suffering. Nice to meet you.

I couldn't stand crying in bed anymore because it was getting hard to breathe. I grabbed the book and sought solace in the bathroom. God and I had a throne to Throne conversation. It was mostly me pouring my heart out to God. Calling on Jesus to intervene in our marriage. When I opened the book, where does Much Afraid find herself? There on the Shores of Loneliness where she was accosted by Resentment, Bitterness, Self-Pity and Pride. Funny, they certainly kept me company last night, too.

Yet in the midst of it all were glimmers of hope. Right there on page 83, "Weeping may endure for a night but joy cometh in the morning." So I went to bed clinging to the book and whispering to myself Acceptance-with-Joy. Acceptance-with-Joy. Slept finally came.

Well, it is now the next day and I have been cleaning my craft room. DH left to go - to his parents' house? or poker with the guys? - so "joy" isn't here yet. But in my cleaning I found a book by Billy Graham entitled Answers to Life's Problems. Haven't seen this book in awhile. There it was - a chapter on marital problems. I paused to read. Love is not a feeling. It is a commitment. Like Much Afraid, I tuck that pebble in my pocket. Then I came across Charles Stanley's letter from January 2009. I was going to shred it because it's a year old but stopped to read it. It was about a woman who was having marital problems. I felt like it was written for me. No matter what your situation or circumstance, there is hope for you...Your friends or family may walk way, but God never abandons you...The key to triumph in your trials is not your ability to face them - but your total reliance on God's grace. So trust Him, and be assured that 2009 (I crossed it to say 2010) will be one of your best years ever if you simply obey the Father and leave all the consequences to Him." Another pebble to tuck in my pocket.

So for this new year, no matter how it looks around me - or what the next chapter says, I choose to look up. Up to my Heavenly Father who wants the best for me. I also choose to trust. I choose to obey. Most of all, I choose to hope. The hope of the restoration of my marriage to heights it has never seen before. Up in the High Places.

The book has a happy ending, right?

To: My dear daughter, Happy Birthday. From: God

My birthday happened to fall on the same week as the Moms In Touch conference. I already received an early present from God that day in the form of an immediate answer to prayer regarding my son (see one post ago).

I did not know He wasn't done yet. Among the gifts I received were:

1. From a dear sister in Christ: The One Year Chronological Bible NLT so I can participate in Wendy Pope's bible study next year and from my sister, a very cute bible cover to go with it.

2. From my women's group: Gift cards to amazon.com and a department store.

3. From God: MY HUSBAND GOT SAVED.

Yes, dear friends, THAT husband. The one whose salvation I have been praying for eversince I became a Christian five years ago. The one who was the reason for starting this blog in the first place. The one who's responsible for most of the tears I have cried in my lifetime. God must have seen the number of vials lining up in His throne room and decided it was time.

The sheaves are in!

I thought it was going to be like any other birthday. To my surprise DH decided to cancel his meetings, took the day off and we spent the day together. It was a perfect day - I went nowhere near our stove! We went out for breakfast, lunch and we had dinner at my Dad's. As my present, he agreed to attend the mid-week church service with me, albeit reluctantly.

I've got to give props to God because, my, I have never seen my pastor preach like that before. He was ON FIRE! Everything flowed. He talked about choices - stand with the world, or stand for Christ. At the end of the service, my pastor did an altar call. Head bowed, eyes closed, raise your hand if you accept Jesus as your Savior. I thought I detected movement but I wasn't sure. I could not even ask him after the service in case he said no. All I remember is that during the entire service I was holding on to Jesus' robe, praying, not letting go, pleading and begging, "PleaseGodpleaseGodpleaseGodpleaseGodpleaseGod. Soften his heart. PleaseGodpleaseGodpleaseGod."

Ten days later, I found out God answered. I finally had the nerve to ask DH if he raised his hand. He said yes. Wow! It was a tender moment. Having been married to me for 23 years, he asked that I please let him walk with Jesus in his own way and his own terms. Why, of course, honey.

But my usual impatient self was in high gear. Why aren't things changing? Why the silent treatment two days ago? Should I give him a bible? Enroll him in a home fellowship? What devotions can we do? Most of all, when can he take over as the spiritual leader of our home? I was eager to "help" him. Tell me what to do, Lord?

My answer came the next day during the Sunday service. I don't remember the context but my pastor mentioned a quote from Ruth Graham: "It is my job to love Billy. It is God's job to make him good."

Ah. Amen.

Best birthday ever. Thank you, Jesus!

Overwhelmed...by God's goodness

This morning I attended an event at church called Arise! Cry Out! - a Worldwide Day of Extraordinary Prayer for Children and Schools sponsored by Moms In Touch International (MITI). Can you imagine the power harnessed by mothers from 130 countries simultaneously praying for the children of the world? You know that definitely moves God's heart.

And when His heart is moved, things happen.

Let me tell you what He did for me today.

They needed ushers for the event so I volunteered. As a result I had to sit in the back at one of the designated usher's chairs. When it was time to pray, I joined a group of ladies towards the front. On the way back to my seat I noticed a latecomer. She was an older lady, mid-70's, sitting by herself at the very last pew. She looked like she wanted to be left alone. During the next prayer session, instead of going back to my former group, I approached the lady instead. Hesitating a little, I asked her if it's okay to pray with her. She smiled and nodded.

She motioned for me to go first. I started praying that my college freshman find a good bible believing church close to Stanford and for him to continue in his Christian walk. I also prayed for my younger son who is still home. I heard her laugh when I mentioned that my little one is challenging but he keeps us on our toes. When it was her turn, she prayed for her daughters. I listened intently to her prayers so I can agree with her. Then all of a sudden I heard "Menlo Park" and "Palo Alto." Huh? At first I thought I did not hear her correctly. It turns out she is familiar with the area and knows of not just one, but TWO good "sound" churches within a mile of campus.

I mean, can you believe it?

There were a hundred women at that church this morning. Of all the ladies that I could have sat next to - God led me to the one who has two daughters living in the Palo Alto area. I looked down and was surprised to see the tear stains on my jeans. I just cried. And cried. And cried some more at God's goodness. Later on, she came to my seat and gave me a piece of paper with the names of the churches AND the service times. She also gave me her contact info. Then she left.

I said a prayer for her.

Oh, my heart is just overwhelmed and my eyes swollen from tears of gratitude to our wonderful, wonderful God. He hears our cries. He answers our prayers. Sometimes there's a wait. Sometimes immediately that you can almost hear Him whisper, "I am here."

My faith is renewed. My desire to pray more is strengthened. I am standing in the gap.

Thank you, Lord Jesus!

When the "D" in DH does not mean "dear"...

Today is my Dh's birthday. I made a card for him the other night. And I am thankful for that because had I made it LAST night, it would be a VERY, VERY different version.

This is the version from the other night:
I used espresso colored cardstock (Bazzill - the best!) accented with blue. The cover read: The Things I Love About You. Inside I stuck some chipboard that said, "your smile," "your laugh," "your sense of humor," "your hugs" and a big one that said "i love everything about you." And added my own little notes to go with each. Ahhhhh, add in the rainbows and unicorns and we're set.

This is what it would have been had I made it last night:
It would be on a cheap construction paper. Black to match his heart. The inscription would read:
Where the heck were you when I was trying to reach you this afternoon???? Your son had a really bad asthma attack! We're 30 miles from home - and his inhaler. Why were you not picking up your darn phone? You are an insensitive and selfish lout and I hope you choke on your steak.

Harsh, right?

I did not even want to give him the "other night" card this morning - thinking he did not deserve it. I was still so mad! I was mad-reading through my Psalms and Proverbs, when I came across this:

Psalm 126: 5-6
Those who sow in tears shall reap in joy. He who continually goes forth weeping, bearing seed for sowing, shall doubtless come again with rejoicing, bringing his sheaves with him.

Yes, I have been sowing in tears, begging God to soften my husband's heart. And days like yesterday I get disheartened that it may never happen. But that phrase caught my attention: Shall doubtless come again with rejoicing, bringing his sheaves with him.

Sheaves? What are sheaves? (Because I was focused on the "rejoicing" part.)

Dictionary.com said sheaves is a plural of sheaf. O-kay, that was helpful. When I clicked on sheaf it said: 1. A bundle of cut stalks of grain or similar plants bound with straw or twine.

It did not make sense at first but the Holy Spirit just reminded me - very patiently, I might add:

Holy Spirit: It means a harvest.

Me: Huh, what? (I'm not a morning person.)

Holy Spirit: From the seeds you've been sowing in tears. You know, your prayers? (I can imagine Him saying "duh!" and sighing as He tells me this. Is the Holy Spirit allowed to sigh?) Don't stop praying. It's coming.

Me: Oh!

God's grace just amazes me. And His patience and mercy. Even in the midst of my anger and resentment, He comes in and comforts me with just the right words to keep me going. I may not see any changes now. It may even look worse than before, but a harvest is coming. I don't even know if my husband knows about it. He is in for a ride.

We serve an awesome God.

Now, I'm off to wish my husband a happy birthday. And mean it.

Update: I did call after I hit the "publish post" button. My attitude was totally different from when I started typing the title. I had a smile in my heart and my face and said "Happy Birthday!!!" I don't think he was expecting a call considering my icy attitude this morning because he sounded surprised. He thanked me for the card. I did not even mention anything about last night.
I cried after I hung up the phone. Tears of gratitude and praise brimming in my eyes because I see - truly see - God's hand in this. He really has the power to change hearts. Mine, definitely this morning in the span of an hour and his, well, sometime in the future.
Thank you, Jesus. Thank you, Lord! I'm looking forward to that harvest.

So, that's what God was up to...

For months, God has put it in my heart to dig deeper into His Word. Not just the surface reading I do everyday but to really dig deeper. I have this desire to have the scriptures come alive. I don't want to just read it, I want to live it!

The search began...

It just so happened a few weeks ago that the leader of our small groups was giving away her old books. The one I picked was Kay Arthur's book, How to Study the Bible. I looked into her Precepts Ministries and their Inductive Study Bible. But God knows that with my perfectionism, it may not work for me because: 1) I have to find the right bible because somehow the 6 I have at home wouldn't work, 2) I would get hung up on the perfect markers to use that would not bleed onto the back page, 3) the perfect color ink, 4) the perfect pen, 5) am I using the right symbol? or 6) how come I can't draw a decent flame? (Welcome to my mind.) God wanted me to dig deeper NOW, not the forever it would take me to find the right components.

Well, remember the day I got sick and went home? Now I know why it happened.

Here's the rest of the story.

The next day I woke up still feeling a bit icky so I called in sick. I also debated whether to take my son to school or have him stay home with me. Realizing that he's better off learning than hanging around with whatever germs I may have, we both got up and I took him to school.

By mid-morning, and after one more serving of the chicken soup, I was 100% better. Then I remembered that renowned bible teacher, Dr. Chuck Missler of the Koinonia Institute, was coming to our church at lunchtime. So, I went there.

Oh, my. Talk about divine appointments.

His message pierced my heart. You are here because God called you. His questions reverberated in my head: What is God calling you to do? Why has He called you?

He also urged us to raise the bar in our personal walk with God and to commit to a systematic program to learn the Bible.

At the end of the session, I just knew. This is it! This is why I got sick yesterday. This is why I had a miraculous recovery today! I needed to be here, not at work.

So I stood in line to enroll. All the while the enemy whispered in my ear: Hey, is it wise to spend $100 when you have huge monthly college tuition payments to make? You know you're not going to do it.

Well, I did it anyway.

And you know what? When I got home, I received an e-mail from my husband saying that the reimbursement from his Canada business trip from months ago finally came in - for $139. Praise God, I even got an extra $39!

So now I am officially enrolled in the Koinonia class on track for a bronze medal. I'm not really after the medal, I'm after something much valuable.

Ah, the irony of it all

I have a confession to make: I hate to cook.

That's not very Christian-like, is it? But it is what it is. I would rather work on our budget spreadsheet or do school stuff with my children than plan what to have for dinner. Clearly, cooking and housekeeping are not among my gifts.

To complicate things further, my husband loves to eat. But not leftovers. (I, on the other hand, am a big fan of leftovers.) I remember when we were newlyweds, he always raved about his grandmother's cooking. Well, being the perfectionist that I am, I know I am never going to attain the culinary expertise of his late beloved grandmother.

Nevertheless we have managed to stay married for 23 years despite my dislike of cooking and his love of eating. And I figured if we're all still alive after my years of imperfect cooking, we're good.

He travels a lot for business. It's not easy for us but one of the perks of having him gone is I can make simple meals. Or just eat leftovers.

He left yesterday for a trip overseas. My older son is away at college. So it's just me and my 9 year old. Ah, leftover heaven!

Alas...

This morning I woke up with a headache. Got up, took my son to school and went to work. Headache still lingered but this time joined by chills and soon after, nausea. I tried to ignore it but by lunchtime I knew I either had to leave and pick up my son immediately or he will have to spend the night at school.

One thing I know: I cannot get sick. Who is going to take him to school? My sister just had a baby and can't get around. My Dad is having dizzy spells. I have no back up so I have to get better.

I know what I had to do. I need chicken soup. And no, the Campbells variety won't do it. I need this:

The ultimate comfort food from my childhood. It's called chicken tinola - and it is goooooood! (Photo courtesy of the internet.)

Either this or get the ready made Pho Ga from the Vietnamese restaurant.

Problem #1: We're out of chicken and I only had $10 in cash left until Friday. So the ready made Pho Ga is out. I had to stop by the grocery store and get the chicken plus the other ingredients (ginger and papaya).

Problem #2: My son has food allergies on top of being a very picky eater. He won't be able to eat that with all the ginger I am planning on using.

So there I was, in the grips of some virus which I hope is just the 24-hour variety, in my kitchen cooking not one, but TWO chicken dishes. Yes, TWO! I never did this when there were four of us in the house. I just had to shake my head and laugh at this turn of events.

Don't you just love God's sense of humor?

Here I am seven hours later and feeling much, much better. The soup did its job. The headache is gone, so is the nausea and I can even sit here in front of the fan and not shiver. My son also had his favorite dish, so we're both happy.

Thank you, Lord, for the chicken soup and for giving me the strength to cook not just one, but two dishes.

The menu for tomorrow night? Leftovers, of course.

Welcome, Baby!

Hello, world.

This is Jeffrey, my baby sister's first (and after 18 hours of labor, she thinks "only") baby.

He came yesterday via C-section at 3:39 p.m. weighing in at 8 lbs 6 oz. and 21 inches long.

I met him a half hour after he was born. Oh, so fresh from heaven.

I am smitten.