Monday, November 24, 2008

The Fast for the Furious

God is answering my prayer. At least that's what my pastor said when I told him that my husband, Agent G still has not spoken to me since election night. Maybe the walls are crumbling down bit by bit. I'm just getting hit by the bricks. And they hurt. A lot.

His sister, Major M came on Saturday and I was nice and cordial. Agent G ignored me. I guess I have my invisibility powers back again.

So, yesterday God impressed upon my heart to fast for Agent G. For the whole day. I have only done partial fasts before and by 10:00 a.m. my stomach is usually a-grumblin' and a-growlin'. Not this time, though. I prayed and read the bible. I waited but the hunger pangs did not come not during breakfast, lunch nor dinnertimes. I felt a little light headed but now I know what they mean when they said things will be clearer to you.

Yes, they were.

James 4:3 spoke to me. Am I asking for prayer for him for my own pleasure? I had to pause and think about that. Maybe I was thinking that if he's saved, our marriage will be all roses and rainbows.

Then I thought long and hard. I want him to be saved so he will have peace. And maybe the lunacy -- for lack of a better word, no actually, it's pretty accurate -- will go away. I pray that the spirit of anger and insecurity that so beset him be cast out in the name of Jesus!

The readings gave me hope. So I kept going...

Ezekiel 37 about the dry bones that God restored. Yes, there's hope.

1 Cor 7:10 about the wife of an unbeliever.
God wants us to stay married. So I will obey. I will stay the course. I just need to get out of the way of those falling bricks and take shelter under Jesus Christ, the Rock of my Salvation.

Thank you, Lord.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Happy Birthday to me!

My husband has been ignoring me since election night. Yes, Senator McCain's loss deeply affected him.

Okay, when I write that out it makes him sound weird.

No, the real reason is because I expressed concerns about my sister-in-law's upcoming visit. We'll call her Major M. Usually when Major M visits, she has a mission. See their other sister, "L" (her real name begins with this letter, I do not imply that it means Loser) is back in our country of origin after a one year stint in the Middle East. "L" is being supported financially by Major M and my in-laws so that she could continue to:

a) be financially irresponsible,
b) commit adultery with a married man,
c) con their relatives there out of their social security numbers and
d) steal their identities.

In turn, Major M rewards this type of behavior by giving "L" free rent, free tuition for her son, and financing her next trip to France, or Canada, or wherever the pot o' gold is this time.

I did not get the memo that if I try to say ~ gently, even ~ that we will not be a part of this "financing" anymore, that my husband will get up from the couch, leave, go to his parents' house and give me the silent treatment.

This scene has been played in different variations hundreds of times in our 22 years of marriage.

Yet somehow this time it's different...

I'm not crying all alone in my room, putting up a brave front in front of the kids and getting despondent. Yes, I am sad especially today because it's my birthday but I'm surprisingly...fine. Either I have given up or my faith is growing. I prefer to think the latter.

See, I have been praying for God to soften my husband's heart and bring down the walls he built lo these many years.

In 1992, his beloved grandmother died. She was the one who raised him when his parents could not take care of him. Before he left the old country, he promised her that he would come back to see her again. But he never did. When she died, he was new to his job and we had our first baby. Somehow, he never forgave himself for this. That's when the walls started coming up. Brick by brick. Offense by offense. And, unfortunately, I have been on the outskirts of those walls.

Still, I know God is working behind the scenes. I can't see it, but I know it. And whatever happens to me or to our marriage, I know God is with me. Any experience I go through has passed through His hands. He has appointed it and will see me through it.

And that's what keeps me joyful. Welcome to my blog.