Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Dear Mom

I don't know if you get updates in heaven but guess what? The high school called to tell me that C is the class Salutatorian! Can you believe it?!?

But I can't tell him until Friday because they want to surprise him during the awards ceremony. The secretary told me we can have more than the allotted 8 tickets. And we get VIP front row seats, too. All I need to do is to give her the names of the attendees.

So I e-mailed G to tell him of his son's accomplishment. He's in Barcelona right now. And we were in the middle of an inter-continental tiff but all that is all water under the bridge now. (I hope.)

I was bursting with pride. But when I called Auntie W to share the news and ask if she could go in your place, suddenly I was bursting in tears.

The reality of your death hit me again. I know it has been almost 5 years. But everytime there is a special occasion in C's life, your absence is magnified even more.

I missed you when the principal called to say that he placed 2nd in the School's Entrance Exam and is eligible for a four year scholarship...

I missed you when he gave his Valedictory address in 8th grade...

I missed you when we attended the Outstanding Student's Banquets at the end of his freshman and sophomore years...

I missed you when he turned 16, then 17...

I missed you when we made the trip to the East Coast to look at colleges...

I missed you when he got his driver's license...

I missed you when received the college acceptances...

I missed you during the trip to Stanford for Admit Week...

And next Friday during the Commencement Exercises when C gives his speech, I know I will miss you. Auntie W will be sitting on the seat you were supposed to occupy if cancer did not take you from us...

I just want to let you know that C has turned into a wonderful young man - sleeps a lot and has trouble parking but a caring, sensitive son, brother and friend nonetheless. You were his prayer warrior when he was growing up. Every single one of those prayers were answered by the looks of it.

And I want to thank you for that.

I miss you, Mom. When I get to heaven, you'll be the first person I'm going to look for. Then we'll catch up.

Until then...


Wednesday, May 6, 2009

"Will You Love Him for Me?"

In that time between awake and asleep, God asked me that question.

I couldn't answer Him. Not right away anyway. I got up and the question kept coming "Will you love him for Me?"

But why does "he" make it so hard, Lord? Did you hear him when I asked him why he was up so early? A simple question, right? I know you heard him snarl, "WHAT TIME DO YOU THINK I SHOULD GET UP?"


I left for work with tears in my eyes.

Lord, you know he has been like that the last few days -- years, really. I know he is busy at work. I know he is worried about the court hearing. I know Mother's Day is coming up and he did not bother to get me anything. Again. I know all that.

I understand the stress. Really, I do.

It's the same stress I feel when he refuses to work on the budget with me. It's the same stress I feel when he does not do what he says he is going to do. It's the same stress I feel when I see him -- or rather, don't see him on weekends because he is at his parents' house. You know, the one with the stalker.

Why does he make it so difficult?

You might as well ask me to hold my breath for three days, Lord, it might be easier than loving my husband. Oh, I've done that. Held my breath for three days and came back to life.

Yeah, well, you're God, I'm not. Look to Me, I will help you.

But it hurts. I know.

You trust Me? Yes. I don't know, maybe. It really hurts, Lord. I'm sorry. I can't answer that right now.