Finally...an answer

A few posts back, God asked, "Will you love him for me? I could not answer Him then. And honestly, I was hoping God will just forget about it and let me move on. Well, God did not forget, but I sure acted like He did. Days, weeks and months passed.

During this avoidance period, I hid behind the excuses that my flesh gave me: You can't because you're sick, you're tired. He's a jerk. Oh, and let's not forget Pride. Pride certainly got in the way. It got in collusion with Flesh and they both told me what I wanted to hear: Why should you bother to try? He doesn't even pay attention. He doesn't care. It's so nice when he's not here, you don't have to worry about cooking dinner every night. So peaceful! And here's the kicker: He's a selfish man and he doesn't deserve you!!!

Oh, they were convenient excuses, justifiable ones even and pleasant to the ears. But, I did not realize Pride was slowly but methodically destroying my marriage. And I almost let it.

But God...

Yesterday morning, He put it in my heart that the time has come. God wants His answer.

Last night, I was doing the dishes, and helping my younger son* memorize his verses for the upcoming BibleBee competition.

*Disclaimer: His motives for memorizing the verses are less than holy - he was doing it so he could reclaim the videogame I have been holding hostage for such a time as this. (Yes, I had to resort to our very own Verses for Videogames program. Oh, it was so frustrating! I have been on him for the last five months to get started and he wouldn't listen to me! Uh-oh. Oh.my.gosh. as I typed that it came to me - I was doing the same thing to God!)

I was only half paying attention to the memorization because the impending "talk" was foremost in my thoughts. My son came to me with the sixth verse:

Joshua 1:9 "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."

It stopped me in my tracks. While I listened to my son's teeny, sweet 9 year-old voice recite that verse, I know I'm hearing from the Lord. Those sure sounded like marching orders to me. Suddenly I knew what to do: I need to humble myself and apologize to my husband. I could not avoid it any longer.
So, after much prayer and anxiety and more, "Son-can-you-repeat-Joshua-1:9-for-me,-please?", I finally talked to my husband. It wasn't easy. He was watching the World Series of Poker. He had that glazed expression in his eyes that is achingly familiar to me. I have seen that expression many times before. It made it easier to build my defenses, my wall. Pride reminded me, "Can you really go through with this? You already know what he's going to say. And you're going to feel slighted because he won't react the way you pictured it in your head."

But God also had something to say, "It's not about you, is it? It's about him. Look at him, you know deep down he's hurting. You know he's searching. He is my prodigal son and I want him back. Will you help me?"
It's about time I listened to God.

I told him: "(Deep breath) I have to apologize to you. Uhm, God put it in my heart that I have not been loving you the right way. I apologize for not loving you unconditionally. I use being tired as an excuse to not even try. I am sorry to say that I almost gave up on our marriage. So, uhm, I'm really sorry." Or something along those semi-coherent lines.

He nodded then turned up the volume. I don't even know if what I said will make a difference. But I choose to trust God who urged me to go forward. I pray that the bumbling words that left my lips were sifted and blessed by the Lord - that it went through His prodigal's ears, all the way to his heart.


We'll just have to wait and see.