Write it down ~ (with an update at the bottom)

I posted this comment over at our other blog, His Gathering Place. 

"My nugget today came from the very dry reading in Numbers 33 which is basically a detail of Israel's journey from one place to the next. But the comment on my ESV Study Bible opened it up for me: 

It therefore serves as Moses’ testimony of what God has done for Israel during his lifetime. By mentioning Aaron’s death in vv. 38–39, Moses indirectly reminds the people that he too will die soon because of his disobedience (see 20:10–13). But this is not to suggest that God has failed his people; rather, this list of places where Israel triumphed over her enemies, was fed and watered, received the law, and was preserved for 40 years in the wilderness is proof that the Lord can bring Israel into Canaan—provided that they do not imitate the unbelief of their forefathers. The list therefore concludes with an urgent plea to make sure that all pagan worship is eliminated from Canaan when they enter it (33:50–56).  

Moses is going to die soon and he knows it. But before he leaves he wanted to give the people something to remember how God triumphed over their enemies, how they were fed and given the provision and preserved during their journey. To us it may just be a boring list of places we've never heard of, but to them these were their places of triumph."

The thought of death and dying have been on my mind lately. Not mine but someone whom I consider a friend. Her name is Carolyn and she's 77 years old. She was the one who trained me when I first worked for this firm. Last fall, she was diagnosed with lung cancer. She came out of that in a miraculous way. But last week she emailed that she now has a cancerous tumor in her brain. I continue to pray for her healing and for God's will to be done. In one way or another, I know she will get her healing. What I don't know is where - whether here or in eternity.

What do you do if you know your days are numbered? 

For me, I want to be like Moses and leave something similar for my children. A tangible proof of what God has done for me during my lifetime. How God guided, preserved and provided our family during the difficult days. Basically, to look back so they can look forward. Yes, we will come against the enemy but God is always faithful. I want them to see that. I want them to know He can be trusted.

I think back to the diaries I kept all the years. Most of them detailed my heartaches. I can read some of them and relive the pain over again. Not very healthy, huh? When I'm gone, I want my children to know that there's more to their mother than the pain and suffering. I want them to know there were joyous times as well. And these joyous times do not come from circumstances or even people (especially not people if they've read my other journals) but only from a personal relationship with our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Because if He is in our hearts, then whatever happens whether joy or sorrow, it matters not because in the end, we can trust that Romans 8:28 is true. God does work all things together for good. 

How do I counteract years of negative journals? I don't want to throw them out because they were part of my history. Those things happened. But from here on out, I am going to be more proactive about finding the blessings in each day.

Then it occurred to me that I have already started doing that. 

The red notebook is the one I use for writing my One Thousand Gifts (we're somewhere in the 3,000's now), the black Moleskine with Snoopy is for my bible studies (currently Revelation thru Precept Ministries International), then the little spiral is my Siesta Memory verses (thru Beth Moore's ministry) from last year - maybe not all 24 verses memorized but they are there. I also discovered that the verses coincided with what happened or what was happening during the year. Funny how that works.

Eventually my goal is to have more journals detailing God's blessings and the lessons He taught me than the angst-filled journals of the years gone by. 

I have a lot of writing to do.

How about you? What kind of testimony do you want to leave behind?

UPDATE ON CAROLYN:

Not even an hour after I published this post, I received an answer regarding my prayers for Carolyn. Here is an excerpt from the email she sent to our office:

Thanks, Mike... I feel yours and God's love.  have been home since afternoon of surgery -- sooooooo strung out on drugs (steroids) that I drive everyone crazy -- INCLUDING me!!!  So high that it will take two weeks to get me done.  BUT THE CANCER IS GONE and I do not have to have further treatment -- no chemo, radiation, etc. 
I AM DOING UNBELIEVABLY WELL!!  Please pass this on to Jan and Bob as well.
God bless,Carolyn 

Isn't that wonderful? Praise God!!!! How is that for Godspeed?

His Faithfulness

Scripture Memory:

just as you learned it from Epaphras our beloved fellow servant. He is a faithful minister of Christ on your behalf and has made known to us your love in the Spirit.

(Colossians 1:7-8 ESV)

Insights:

When I first read this my initial thought was: I wanted to be like Epaphras. He was commended for his faithfulness in his service for Christ. I prayed that my work be done not for the glory of self, nor men but always "as unto the Lord." I suspect that is how Epaphras did his ministry, which would explain why he was so effective for the cause of the gospel.

Then a few days later, I looked at the verse again and I was still struck with the same word "faithfulness" but this time it was God's. As I have shared before in my prior posts, Agent G and I were going through some growing pains. But God, oh He is always faithful!

I can't help but give Him props for always letting me know He can hear me and He knows what is going on. And what did He use this time? Of all things, fortune cookies. I normally don't put stock in what the fortune cookies say but in this case I take exception. I mean, if God can use a donkey to speak to a prophet, He can surely send a message thru a cookie. And send a message He did. 

This is what Agent G's fortune said:

 

(Uh yes, he who has an ear to hear, let him hear what the Spirit says.)

This was mine:.

 

These were both spot on. I looked around and listened for this tell-tale theme song because I was sure we just entered The Twilight Zone. 

I was speechless and beyond amazed that the Creator of heaven and earth, the God of the universe would take the time to - like it says in my memory verse - make known to me His love in the Spirit. I turned my face to hide a smile.

Thank you, Father!

*** {This is part of the  Adventures in Colossians series wherein I memorize, you guessed it, the book of Colossians in a year.} ***

Ten Thousand Reasons

Scripture Memory:

We always thank God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, when we pray for you, since we heard of your faith in Christ Jesus and of the love that you have for all the saints,

(Colossians 1:3-4 ESV)

Insights:

When I first memorized these two verses, the phrase that jumped out at me was on verse 3 "when we pray for you," in particular the word "when." I wrote down "continual intercession for my brothers and sisters in Christ should be a part of my daily prayer life. My prayers should not just be focused on my comfort and my needs alone (and there are many). Like my reading in Revelation 5 this morning, it says that my prayers are like incense in a golden bowl. May it be a pleasing aroma to God, my Father!"

That was on February 15th. I thought I was done. A short and concise post - for a change.

But at the last minute, God gave me something else.

As I have shared with a friend, so far life has been a tad hard the last couple of days, weeks, months, okay, really it's the whole year. I suppose when you start 2012 with a visit to Urgent Care for your child it is sending you a message: "Girl ~ Hi, this is 2012. You're in for a ride. Watch out!" Thanks, 2012 I hope the Mayans were right about you.

Inspite of the challenges though, I find myself clinging more to God lately in the form of a song. "Bless the Lord, o my soul, oh my soul, worship His holy name, sing like never before, O my soul, worship Your holy name."

At home = sing. At church = sing. At work = sing (softly). In the shower = sing (LOUDLY). Earlier when I read Ann Voskamp's blog, she had a link to a YouTube video - and I couldn't believe it - it's my song! Well, it's Matt Redman's actually but you know what I mean. I felt like I just received a kiss from God. I took out my headphones and spent my lunch hour just singing, praising and crying. I felt my soul soaring. That is my when eyes fell on Colossians 1:3 "We always thank God...." In this context, my song sounds even better especially after reading the rest of the lyrics (I was stuck in the refrain). I'm posting it below. May it bless you as it has blessed me.

Matt Redman - Ten Thousand Reasons (10,000 Reasons) (Bless the Lord), New Album - 10,000 reasons, Year: 2011

Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name

The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning
It's time to sing Your song again
Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes

Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name

You're rich in love, and You're slow to anger
Your name is great, and Your heart is kind
For all Your goodness I will keep on singing
Ten thousand reasons for my heart to find

Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name

And on that day when my strength is failing
The end draws near and my time has come
Still my soul will sing Your praise unending
Ten thousand years and then forevermore

Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name

Jesus, I'll worship Your holy name
Lord, I'll worship Your holy name

Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name
Jesus, I'll worship Your holy name
I'll worship Your holy name

May you find your 10,000 reasons to praise God today.

Counting God's Gifts

"Ingratitude is a sin." - Chuck Missler, Koinonia Institute, Haggai/Malachi class

I did a double take when I heard it, not because it was foreign to me, but because I have heard it before.

From all of our beginnings we keep reliving the Garden story.

Satan, he wanted more. More power, more glory. Ultimately in his essence, Satan is an ingrate. And he sinks his venom in the heart of Eden. Satan's sin becomes the first sin of humanity: the sin of ingratitude. Adam and Eve are simply, painfully, ungrateful for what God gave.

Isn't that the catalyst of all my sins?

Our fall was, has always been, and always will be, that we aren't satisfied in God, in what He gives. We hunger for something more. Something other."

- Ann Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts, page 9.

After reading this book. I started keeping my own list of One Thousand Gifts. That was February 13, 2011. I started with 7 or 8 per day. There was always something, even something small. Little did I know God was using this practice of looking daily for His blessings, to help me focus on Him six weeks later. It was then I realized not all gifts are good and easy. In fact, some blessings are downright hard.

My then 10-year old son, "Phineas," came down with a headache that Thursday morning. It did not go away even after the Tylenol I gave him before going to school. He stayed home the next day and the fever still didn't go away. On top of it he was acting really strange and I could not understand what he was saying. I told him, "Son, if this is an April Fool's joke, it's not very funny." When we went to Urgent Care, the doctor took one look at him and sent us to Children's Hospital for a possible brain inflammation. He was admitted to Children's Hospital with a meningitis diagnosis- viral, the good kind, they said. Then he was discharged - prematurely, I thought - two days later.

I was right.

By Wednesday night I found myself calling 911. We found ourselves back to Children's ER in the early hours of Thursday, April 7th. It was to the longest day of our lives but the practice of listing my gifts continued:

558. A son being carried by his Dad

559. No waiting in the ER! (This was a first)

560. Prayer requests sent at 3:16 a.m. to my sisters-in-Christ across the country

561. Response at 3:18 a.m. from Tennesee

562. Phone call from North Carolina

563. Real men do cry (my husband).

P's condition continued to deteriorate. By 11:00 a.m., he was non-responsive and it was the most frightening thing I have ever seen. My normally vibrant, intelligent, talkative son has been reduced to someone catatonic with a vacant stare. I had just downloaded YouVersion on my phone and decided to play the Psalms in audio. I held it over him and prayed that God's word can penetrate the recesses of his brain. When they were ready to take him to the CT scan I leaned over and whispered, "Son, I don't know if you can hear me but all those bible verses you've memorized for the Awana Bible Quiz and the Bible Bee? I need you to think about those right now, okay?"

The CT scan came back normal and they scheduled an MRI and his 3rd spinal tap at 3:00 p.m. After the MRI:

572. Nurse was paying attention when P had the seizure and aspirated

573. Running, running to his room - it felt like forever

574. Code Blue and all medical personnel descending to his room

I don't think I will ever forget turning around and seeing my husband, the one who has been indifferent to God, huddled under a desk, tears and terror in his eyes. This particular son - this is his "Isaac." The hospital personnel took us to a different room where we prayed. My husband was on his knees the whole time. They eventually stabilized P, moved him to the ICU and hooked him to a ventilator. They sent my husband and I (and by this time, our older son who insisted on flying back from college when he learned P was sick) home. I wrote down every blessing that day. I ended up with 55. It was the most I have ever written.

P spent a week in ICU and 4 more weeks in recovery. Some days were good (646. He opened his eyes) and some were difficult like finding out that it wasn't just meningitis but something else that affected not only his brain but also his spinal cord. The neurologist was not sure if he will be the same again. But every night without fail, as soon as I finish making my makeshift bed and he is asleep, I take my red notebook out and write my blessings. And I found this to be true:

"It is suffering that has the realest possibility to bear down and deliver grace…emptiness itself can birth the fullness of grace because in the emptiness we have the opportunity to turn to God, the only begetter of grace, and there find all the fullness of joy…" Ann Voskamp, OneThousand Gifts

Looking back, I am amazed at what God has done. I belong to a group of sister believers who pray for our unsaved/not walking with the Lord spouses - their husbands started praying when they heard about what happened to my son. God kept me healthy even with minimal sleep. I did not get sick at all and I was not even crabby. The peace that passes understanding in Philippians 4:7? I experienced that. The prayers of faithful (Awana family, church, online friends) sustained us. God introduced me to other families in the ICU and I was able to minister to them. And the most amazing thing of all? After my son was discharged on May 6, my husband came to church with us that following Sunday. I have been praying for that for 7 years and tried everything in my arsenal from manipulation to guilt. Nothing worked. Until God stepped in. And His timing was perfect. It was the best Mother's Day ever.

This is the first time I am putting this experience in writing. I wish I could tell you everything that happened during and after those weeks. I just wanted to share my testimony for whomever may need it today. Let this be my offering of gratitude to God for what He has given us.

Psalm 136:1-3

¹O give thanks unto the LORD; for he is good: for his mercy endureth for ever.

²O give thanks unto the God of gods: for his mercy endureth for ever.

³O give thanks to the Lord of lords: for his mercy endureth for ever.

God still works miracles, in ways we never expect. He restored my son. He is restoring my husband and our marriage. I don't want to forget -- and waste His gift, ever.

Welcome, Baby!

Hello, world.

This is Jeffrey, my baby sister's first (and after 18 hours of labor, she thinks "only") baby.

He came yesterday via C-section at 3:39 p.m. weighing in at 8 lbs 6 oz. and 21 inches long.

I met him a half hour after he was born. Oh, so fresh from heaven.

I am smitten.

On Letting Go

Lord,

My firstborn son is now 18. Where has the time gone? In a couple of months, he is heading off to college. He will be on his own. May I confess something? It terrifies me.

Do You remember the prayers that I have prayed for him daily? There were different variations but they were more or less prayers for his safety. I had no clue what I was doing when we took him home from the hospital. I felt inadequate and overwhelmed. I still do some days. But somehow he managed to thrive and grow -- inspite of his inexperienced parents.

Can you stand one more prayer? It is this: may he fulfill the purpose You have in mind for him long before he was born.

I cannot go where he is going (although I had a dream the other night that I am enrolled in his English class). I cannot tell him what to do. Or more importantly, what NOT to do. I cannot protect him. But, Lord, I know You can. I hold on to Your promise that You will never leave him nor forsake him. There is no safer place for him to be than in Your care. He is his own person now.

Thank you Lord, for giving him to me. He is a wonderful son - kind, patient (must not be hereditary), funny, gentle and compassionate.
And now, Lord I give him back to you. I hope I have raised him to Your satisfaction.

Dear Mom

I don't know if you get updates in heaven but guess what? The high school called to tell me that C is the class Salutatorian! Can you believe it?!?

But I can't tell him until Friday because they want to surprise him during the awards ceremony. The secretary told me we can have more than the allotted 8 tickets. And we get VIP front row seats, too. All I need to do is to give her the names of the attendees.

So I e-mailed G to tell him of his son's accomplishment. He's in Barcelona right now. And we were in the middle of an inter-continental tiff but all that is all water under the bridge now. (I hope.)

I was bursting with pride. But when I called Auntie W to share the news and ask if she could go in your place, suddenly I was bursting in tears.

The reality of your death hit me again. I know it has been almost 5 years. But everytime there is a special occasion in C's life, your absence is magnified even more.

I missed you when the principal called to say that he placed 2nd in the School's Entrance Exam and is eligible for a four year scholarship...

I missed you when he gave his Valedictory address in 8th grade...

I missed you when we attended the Outstanding Student's Banquets at the end of his freshman and sophomore years...

I missed you when he turned 16, then 17...

I missed you when we made the trip to the East Coast to look at colleges...

I missed you when he got his driver's license...

I missed you when received the college acceptances...

I missed you during the trip to Stanford for Admit Week...

And next Friday during the Commencement Exercises when C gives his speech, I know I will miss you. Auntie W will be sitting on the seat you were supposed to occupy if cancer did not take you from us...

I just want to let you know that C has turned into a wonderful young man - sleeps a lot and has trouble parking but a caring, sensitive son, brother and friend nonetheless. You were his prayer warrior when he was growing up. Every single one of those prayers were answered by the looks of it.

And I want to thank you for that.

I miss you, Mom. When I get to heaven, you'll be the first person I'm going to look for. Then we'll catch up.

Until then...

Love,
T