Write it down ~ (with an update at the bottom)

I posted this comment over at our other blog, His Gathering Place. 

"My nugget today came from the very dry reading in Numbers 33 which is basically a detail of Israel's journey from one place to the next. But the comment on my ESV Study Bible opened it up for me: 

It therefore serves as Moses’ testimony of what God has done for Israel during his lifetime. By mentioning Aaron’s death in vv. 38–39, Moses indirectly reminds the people that he too will die soon because of his disobedience (see 20:10–13). But this is not to suggest that God has failed his people; rather, this list of places where Israel triumphed over her enemies, was fed and watered, received the law, and was preserved for 40 years in the wilderness is proof that the Lord can bring Israel into Canaan—provided that they do not imitate the unbelief of their forefathers. The list therefore concludes with an urgent plea to make sure that all pagan worship is eliminated from Canaan when they enter it (33:50–56).  

Moses is going to die soon and he knows it. But before he leaves he wanted to give the people something to remember how God triumphed over their enemies, how they were fed and given the provision and preserved during their journey. To us it may just be a boring list of places we've never heard of, but to them these were their places of triumph."

The thought of death and dying have been on my mind lately. Not mine but someone whom I consider a friend. Her name is Carolyn and she's 77 years old. She was the one who trained me when I first worked for this firm. Last fall, she was diagnosed with lung cancer. She came out of that in a miraculous way. But last week she emailed that she now has a cancerous tumor in her brain. I continue to pray for her healing and for God's will to be done. In one way or another, I know she will get her healing. What I don't know is where - whether here or in eternity.

What do you do if you know your days are numbered? 

For me, I want to be like Moses and leave something similar for my children. A tangible proof of what God has done for me during my lifetime. How God guided, preserved and provided our family during the difficult days. Basically, to look back so they can look forward. Yes, we will come against the enemy but God is always faithful. I want them to see that. I want them to know He can be trusted.

I think back to the diaries I kept all the years. Most of them detailed my heartaches. I can read some of them and relive the pain over again. Not very healthy, huh? When I'm gone, I want my children to know that there's more to their mother than the pain and suffering. I want them to know there were joyous times as well. And these joyous times do not come from circumstances or even people (especially not people if they've read my other journals) but only from a personal relationship with our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Because if He is in our hearts, then whatever happens whether joy or sorrow, it matters not because in the end, we can trust that Romans 8:28 is true. God does work all things together for good. 

How do I counteract years of negative journals? I don't want to throw them out because they were part of my history. Those things happened. But from here on out, I am going to be more proactive about finding the blessings in each day.

Then it occurred to me that I have already started doing that. 

The red notebook is the one I use for writing my One Thousand Gifts (we're somewhere in the 3,000's now), the black Moleskine with Snoopy is for my bible studies (currently Revelation thru Precept Ministries International), then the little spiral is my Siesta Memory verses (thru Beth Moore's ministry) from last year - maybe not all 24 verses memorized but they are there. I also discovered that the verses coincided with what happened or what was happening during the year. Funny how that works.

Eventually my goal is to have more journals detailing God's blessings and the lessons He taught me than the angst-filled journals of the years gone by. 

I have a lot of writing to do.

How about you? What kind of testimony do you want to leave behind?

UPDATE ON CAROLYN:

Not even an hour after I published this post, I received an answer regarding my prayers for Carolyn. Here is an excerpt from the email she sent to our office:

Thanks, Mike... I feel yours and God's love.  have been home since afternoon of surgery -- sooooooo strung out on drugs (steroids) that I drive everyone crazy -- INCLUDING me!!!  So high that it will take two weeks to get me done.  BUT THE CANCER IS GONE and I do not have to have further treatment -- no chemo, radiation, etc. 
I AM DOING UNBELIEVABLY WELL!!  Please pass this on to Jan and Bob as well.
God bless,Carolyn 

Isn't that wonderful? Praise God!!!! How is that for Godspeed?

Counting God's Gifts

"Ingratitude is a sin." - Chuck Missler, Koinonia Institute, Haggai/Malachi class

I did a double take when I heard it, not because it was foreign to me, but because I have heard it before.

From all of our beginnings we keep reliving the Garden story.

Satan, he wanted more. More power, more glory. Ultimately in his essence, Satan is an ingrate. And he sinks his venom in the heart of Eden. Satan's sin becomes the first sin of humanity: the sin of ingratitude. Adam and Eve are simply, painfully, ungrateful for what God gave.

Isn't that the catalyst of all my sins?

Our fall was, has always been, and always will be, that we aren't satisfied in God, in what He gives. We hunger for something more. Something other."

- Ann Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts, page 9.

After reading this book. I started keeping my own list of One Thousand Gifts. That was February 13, 2011. I started with 7 or 8 per day. There was always something, even something small. Little did I know God was using this practice of looking daily for His blessings, to help me focus on Him six weeks later. It was then I realized not all gifts are good and easy. In fact, some blessings are downright hard.

My then 10-year old son, "Phineas," came down with a headache that Thursday morning. It did not go away even after the Tylenol I gave him before going to school. He stayed home the next day and the fever still didn't go away. On top of it he was acting really strange and I could not understand what he was saying. I told him, "Son, if this is an April Fool's joke, it's not very funny." When we went to Urgent Care, the doctor took one look at him and sent us to Children's Hospital for a possible brain inflammation. He was admitted to Children's Hospital with a meningitis diagnosis- viral, the good kind, they said. Then he was discharged - prematurely, I thought - two days later.

I was right.

By Wednesday night I found myself calling 911. We found ourselves back to Children's ER in the early hours of Thursday, April 7th. It was to the longest day of our lives but the practice of listing my gifts continued:

558. A son being carried by his Dad

559. No waiting in the ER! (This was a first)

560. Prayer requests sent at 3:16 a.m. to my sisters-in-Christ across the country

561. Response at 3:18 a.m. from Tennesee

562. Phone call from North Carolina

563. Real men do cry (my husband).

P's condition continued to deteriorate. By 11:00 a.m., he was non-responsive and it was the most frightening thing I have ever seen. My normally vibrant, intelligent, talkative son has been reduced to someone catatonic with a vacant stare. I had just downloaded YouVersion on my phone and decided to play the Psalms in audio. I held it over him and prayed that God's word can penetrate the recesses of his brain. When they were ready to take him to the CT scan I leaned over and whispered, "Son, I don't know if you can hear me but all those bible verses you've memorized for the Awana Bible Quiz and the Bible Bee? I need you to think about those right now, okay?"

The CT scan came back normal and they scheduled an MRI and his 3rd spinal tap at 3:00 p.m. After the MRI:

572. Nurse was paying attention when P had the seizure and aspirated

573. Running, running to his room - it felt like forever

574. Code Blue and all medical personnel descending to his room

I don't think I will ever forget turning around and seeing my husband, the one who has been indifferent to God, huddled under a desk, tears and terror in his eyes. This particular son - this is his "Isaac." The hospital personnel took us to a different room where we prayed. My husband was on his knees the whole time. They eventually stabilized P, moved him to the ICU and hooked him to a ventilator. They sent my husband and I (and by this time, our older son who insisted on flying back from college when he learned P was sick) home. I wrote down every blessing that day. I ended up with 55. It was the most I have ever written.

P spent a week in ICU and 4 more weeks in recovery. Some days were good (646. He opened his eyes) and some were difficult like finding out that it wasn't just meningitis but something else that affected not only his brain but also his spinal cord. The neurologist was not sure if he will be the same again. But every night without fail, as soon as I finish making my makeshift bed and he is asleep, I take my red notebook out and write my blessings. And I found this to be true:

"It is suffering that has the realest possibility to bear down and deliver grace…emptiness itself can birth the fullness of grace because in the emptiness we have the opportunity to turn to God, the only begetter of grace, and there find all the fullness of joy…" Ann Voskamp, OneThousand Gifts

Looking back, I am amazed at what God has done. I belong to a group of sister believers who pray for our unsaved/not walking with the Lord spouses - their husbands started praying when they heard about what happened to my son. God kept me healthy even with minimal sleep. I did not get sick at all and I was not even crabby. The peace that passes understanding in Philippians 4:7? I experienced that. The prayers of faithful (Awana family, church, online friends) sustained us. God introduced me to other families in the ICU and I was able to minister to them. And the most amazing thing of all? After my son was discharged on May 6, my husband came to church with us that following Sunday. I have been praying for that for 7 years and tried everything in my arsenal from manipulation to guilt. Nothing worked. Until God stepped in. And His timing was perfect. It was the best Mother's Day ever.

This is the first time I am putting this experience in writing. I wish I could tell you everything that happened during and after those weeks. I just wanted to share my testimony for whomever may need it today. Let this be my offering of gratitude to God for what He has given us.

Psalm 136:1-3

¹O give thanks unto the LORD; for he is good: for his mercy endureth for ever.

²O give thanks unto the God of gods: for his mercy endureth for ever.

³O give thanks to the Lord of lords: for his mercy endureth for ever.

God still works miracles, in ways we never expect. He restored my son. He is restoring my husband and our marriage. I don't want to forget -- and waste His gift, ever.

Hello, again!

It has been a while!

God and I have been on a ride these past few months. But that is another post. For today, let's start with something light.

My husband just came back from a business trip in Japan. Usually when he comes back from a trip, he brings some sort of cold virus with him. But not this time! There's nothing like experiencing two 6.0 magnitude aftershocks to make one's immune system go on high alert and behave.

Anyway he brought some goodies with him.

Pretty, right? I don't know what's in them but I love the colors.

For the boys, he bought this for our older son:

You use the hammer on top of his head to knock off the colored cylinders so his head connects to his base. Loud!

And then this mysterious box for our young one. We can't figure out how to open it. It's a 12-piece puzzle. Both of them tried it and they have only gone as far as to move two slots:

Finally, for me. He said he chose this dessert that is very special because it is only good for two days! We must consume it! Immediately! So, while he headed for the Baggage Claim section, I carefully unwrapped the package and saw these:

Uh-oh, I think we're too late.

He laughed. No, that's how it looks! Go ahead and try it. Since I love him, I ate one. But only after he did.

And we are still alive. (But in case it is a slow acting mutant virus, go ahead and change the caption to the picture as "Exhibit A")

It's good to be back.

Lost and Found

Luke 15 is about recovering what is lost and in varying degrees.

In the parable of the lost sheep, 1 out of 100 was lost (Luke 15:4)
In the parable of the coins, 1 our of 10. (Luke 15:8)
Then in the prodigal son, 1 out of 2.

What does this tell me? Well, it shows me that God wants to recover the lost whether he is part of a group of 2 or 100. No one is too small or insignificant in our Father's eyes. And when He finds the lost, He rejoices. He is neither angry nor bitter. No accusations, no "how could yous." Just unconditional love and restoration be it for the foolish sheep who wanders off, or a rebellious son.

When I read the story of the Prodigal Son, I always picture myself as the older son. In fact my own son told me this the other day. When his Dad comes home and he hears the garage, my son always jumps out of his chair and runs to meet him at the door with a very enthusiastic "HI, DAD!!!" I asked why he never does it with me. He said, "Mom, because you're always with me! Why are you being like the older brother in the Prodigal Son." Touché.
I now find myself switching places with my own father. I am now the parent, my Dad is the prodigal son who took his journey into a far country, and there wasted his substance with riotous living. (Luke 15:13b). I am praying that when my Dad finally comes to his senses home, that I would remember how the Father treated his son - with love and compassion. I imagine that father praying all the time during his son's absence that he would come to realize the error of his ways and return home. I imagine him looking over the horizon day after day awaiting his son's return - for how else could he have seen him from a distance if he was not looking for him? Luke 15:20 But when he was yet a great way off, his father saw him, and had compassion, and ran, and fell on his neck, and kissed him. I like that image of anticipation on the part of the father. I imagine God doing the same thing to those people who are lost or are not walking with Him, He looks out for a hint of repentance, a turning around. And when it happens, He doesn't even have to run.

He's already there.

Such is Life

I am amused at the dichotomy in our marriage right now.

He is on a business trip staying at a hotel where the president of the country is having a meeting.

Me? I am trying to unclog the toilet courtesy of my conveniently-back-to-college son.

Still, I can't complain. We are doing family devotions every Sunday now (well, when he's here) and he is listening and paying attention.

Life is good. Even if the toilet is winning for now.

On Patience and Second Chances

I don't know about you but back to school time always gets me reminiscing. And I am reminded again how fast time flies. It seems just like yesterday I was taking my older son to preschool and he was crying. Today he's a college sophomore and I'm crying.

When I look back in my life and think of the things I can do-over especially as a Mom, the ones that I regret the most are the times I have been impatient with my sons. Whether it was when they did not take the trash fast enough, or not picked up the toy that I stepped on (again), or.... well, I can't even remember. (My reasoning was there are a lot of things on my mind and if I can check one off the list, it would certainly keep me, you know, sane.) Of course in the midst of those emotions, whatever trivial matter it was seemed THE most important thing at that time. What did Chuck Missler say?

"The pressing things are not necessarily the most important and the important things are hardly pressing. "

Or something to that effect.
I can honestly say, joy was definitely not present during those episodes - not with me and certainly not with them.

How much of a better example I would have been had I learned Colossians 1:11 Strengthened with all might, according to his glorious power, unto all patience and longsuffering with joyfulness; I want my children to remember me as a loving mother, not as an impatient shrew who was always mad about something unimportant. I want them to see that in life, we may not always get what we want but we can wait patiently and such patience coupled with hope produces peace which produces joy.

Call it aging with grace or it could be reading the Word but the last few years I have found myself mellowing a little. The Lord still has a long way to go with me in the patience arena. But I am thankful that HE is patient. He waited patiently for me to come to my senses and accept Him as my Savior and Lord. He is waiting patiently for me as the sanctification process goes on. I do not want to be like the wicked servant in Matthew 18:26: The servant therefore fell down, and worshipped him, saying, Lord, have patience with me, and I will pay thee all who then turned around and did not forgive someone who owed him much less. I need to remember to extend the same grace to those around me. As it says in Hebrews 10:36 For ye have need of patience, that, after ye have done the will of God, ye might receive the promise. I do not want to miss out on anything God has in store for me. I can't wait! (Just kidding, I'm really patiently waiting.)

On Birthdays and Mother's Day

On Saturday, my younger son "Phineas" celebrated his 10th birthday party at the Ice Arena with 15 friends. It went well considering he has never ice skated before. But all of them had fun even the two friends who suffered minor injuries 10 minutes before the end of the 3-1/2 hour party. We then had family over to our house for an after-party party.

On Mother's Day, Phineas and I went to the first service at church where our Pastor shared all the things that happened during their recent outreach in Iraq. God is working in a mighty way in the Middle East. I left church wondering why we do not see great manifestations of God's work here. But as the day unfolded, I realized God is not just working over there, He is working here, too.

Our family planned to meet at a favorite Chinese restaurant for dim sum. Unfortunately, the rest of our town had the same plan. So instead of waiting 2 hours for 12 of us to be seated, I called my siblings to tell them I am just going to order food to go. Since they were still at my Dad's house (punctuality is not our family's strong suit), I told them to we will just go there with the food.

Ordering dim sum off a list is not as much fun as watching the carts pass by to see what looks good. There was a little confusion - uhm, no I didn't want THAT. They were trying to speak to me in Chinese which I could not understand at all. Granted, I took a year of Mandarin but that was over 20 years ago. The only phrase I remember translates to "Where is the cat?" which is neither helpful nor appropriate in this situation. Eventually, I made it out of there with a decent amount of food for all of us.

I don't know which part of "We'll meet you there" my brother did not understand. In my book, "there" means we will come to wherever location you happen to be. Stay put. Do not move. Certainly, do not drive 30 miles to our house because we're heading in the opposite direction. Since two families are heading to our house, we were outnumbered and had no choice but to turn around. Hosting another family event AFTER the birthday party the day before was not how I wanted to celebrate Mother's Day. So there was some major pouting going on.

But you know what? God has plans that we know nothing about.

When we got home, I noticed that my sister-in-law was limping. She said she woke up with pain in her right foot from skating. (Ok, so make that 3 injuries). Well, the Urgent Care is 5 minutes from my house and they accept my brother's out of town insurance. So, I took my sister-in-law there and she was diagnosed with a torn ligament. They gave her crutches and some meds to help with the pain. That's why God engineered the event to take place at our house. If we had gone to my Dad's as I had planned, she never would have gone to the urgent care facility because of the distance.

My sister-in-law is not a believer and I am thankful that after I had calmed down, I was able to minister to her and help her. I would like to think that maybe like the believers in Iraq, she saw a little bit of the love of Jesus through me. God certainly works in mysterious ways, in big ways and in small. I am just glad and grateful that He gives us the privilege to be a part of it.

Bulls eye!

Motherhood is hit and miss. Most of the days, I know I miss the mark. But on rare (very rare)occasions, I hit the target.



This is what I found while cleaning up my 9-year old's folder:


("Who do you think is a leader of hope today? How is he/she a leader of hope?
I think my mom is a leader of hope. She takes me to church. She tries to teach my
dad the Bible. She relieves my problems most
of the time and will relieve my problems.
She's always there for me. She is (love the double underlining here) a leader
of hope.")
Now I don't know what kind of grade he received from this hastily scribbled paragraph. But he got an A+++++++ in my book. :)

Welcome, Baby!

Hello, world.

This is Jeffrey, my baby sister's first (and after 18 hours of labor, she thinks "only") baby.

He came yesterday via C-section at 3:39 p.m. weighing in at 8 lbs 6 oz. and 21 inches long.

I met him a half hour after he was born. Oh, so fresh from heaven.

I am smitten.

Exercising the Shield of Faith

"I take the Shield of Faith

May I be ready for satan's fiery darts of

doubt, denial and deceipt

so I will not be vulnerable to spiritual defeat."

- From The Warriors Prayer/Turning Point Ministries

These last few days I found myself a frequent visitor in the Throne of God.

It has been a week since we dropped off our son to college. What a rollercoaster of emotions in just 7 days.

At church last Sunday, he served as an usher with me for the last time. Before we left I asked the pastor to pray over him (I cried). Then our fellow ushers and my very pregnant sister who came to see him off prayed for him as well (Yup, more tears). Then another lady, who recenty started attending our church after 20 years of being a missionary gathered my two sons and I in a circle and prayed over us, too (By this time I was a blubbering mess). Needless to say, my son was covered in prayer.

We left Monday and stayed at a hotel for the night.

Move-in day was 8:00 a.m. Tuesday. It was so exciting because the students memorized all the names of the incoming freshmen and when we arrived at the dorm, they all yelled out his name. It made him feel so welcome. I spent the day organizing his room even moved the bed and desk to make it flow better (thank you some other Mom who watches HGTV). I put the new bible that I bought for him by his bed. Inside I tucked my well-worn copy of The Warrior's Prayer. It is a prayer detailing how to put on the armor of God. For the last few years, that is the prayer that I use to cap my morning devotions and to pray for other people.

We attended the Convocation ceremony later in the afternoon and had a dorm meeting with the Faculty Advisor. By 6:00 p.m., she said it was time for the students to send the parents out into the world. They gave us a pack of Kleenex, a Sharpie marker to leave a message for our children on the windows and a half hour to say goodbye.

Let's just say I made good use of the Kleenex.

We left for home on Wednesday morning.

Thursday night after our bible study, I came home in a semi-panic since I haven't been able to reach him that day. I tried Skype, text, e-mail and calling on his cell phone. I know the service for T-Mobile is very sporadic there. Oh, did the enemy have a grand time with me.

For a few minutes I imagined all sorts of bad things happening to him. Why did I not get his roommate's cell phone? Why did I not get the contact info of any of the RA's? Nor the Resident Faculty?

This went on for a good hour. Then I recognized it for what it was - a spiritual attack.

I took a deep breath. Remembered to pray. I needed to flex my Shield of Faith. That eventhough I can't see Him nor him, I believe that God will take care of my son. And that his time is in His hands. He will be here until God says his time is up - and not a minute nor a second too soon.

Last night at our Sunday night service I was still sad. A new usher was standing at his station. It was the last night of our study in the Song of Solomon about courtship, love and marriage. My friend, Cheryl, told me something profound when I expressed my worries about the things he will encounter at school. She told me God prepared him for it through that study. That he will know how to go through friendship, courtship, how to treat a woman, how to flee from immoral activities, etc. I am so thankful that God did that because I never could have talked to my son about these subjects.

He will start his first class in 8 minutes. (More prayers that he heard the alarm clock.) I asked him to take a picture of his first day of school for me, you know, for the scrapbook.

I know he's an adult now but maybe he'll humor his mother this one last time.

On Being a Mighty Warrior

One of the things my pastor said the other night was that women are to be The Mighty Warriors for the kingdom. Our family is under attack by the enemy and we need to stand with our husbands - as a helpmeet - to guard and protect our families. He said the Proverbs 31 wife is a powerful ally.

Suddenly, I know how Gideon felt.
What? Me? Really? A Mighty Warrior? To do battle against satan and his minions? I can't even get my son to pick up his socks off the floor.
Being a Mighty Warrior is easy to do if the husband is walking with the Lord. But, what if my husband is not standing with me? What if he's in his recliner, watching television? Yes, Lord, this Proverbs 31 wife-wannabe is waiting for her husband to be a Psalm 1 man.
Oh, I long for my husband to walk with the Lord so he can be the spiritual leader of our family. Right now, I am carrying that mantle and it is hard. It is a daunting task. The thought of being responsible for the spiritual growth and eternal destinies of my children (AND their children) scares me. What if I mess up? (In fact, thinking back to the events of this past week alone, I know I have messed up.)
Lord, please help me not to be afraid to stand up for you - to be Your Mighty Warrior, whether my husband comes alongside me or not. Help me to start in my world - where you have me right now. Amidst the mess, the laundry, the cooking, the grocery shopping, the cleaning, the budgeting, the being unappreciated, the repetitiveness and the mundane. Help me to see You and to remember that I have a mission from the King. And no mission is too small for Your kingdom.

Help me, please. I need You.

Fill me with Your spirit. Help me to shine here. And in turn, have my boys catch the light and may they also glisten, no, not just glisten, may they impact their own worlds like fireworks on the 4th of July. I want them to be on fire for You!

You know my weaknesses. You know the state of my vessel, Lord. Broken spirit, weak vascillating, emotional, temperamental and impatient. But what I have learned from this and the other conferences you have brought me to is that perfection is not mandatory - nor expected. You just want a willing heart. That - I have. And that is all I can offer You.

Thank you, Heavenly Father.

Dear Mom

I don't know if you get updates in heaven but guess what? The high school called to tell me that C is the class Salutatorian! Can you believe it?!?

But I can't tell him until Friday because they want to surprise him during the awards ceremony. The secretary told me we can have more than the allotted 8 tickets. And we get VIP front row seats, too. All I need to do is to give her the names of the attendees.

So I e-mailed G to tell him of his son's accomplishment. He's in Barcelona right now. And we were in the middle of an inter-continental tiff but all that is all water under the bridge now. (I hope.)

I was bursting with pride. But when I called Auntie W to share the news and ask if she could go in your place, suddenly I was bursting in tears.

The reality of your death hit me again. I know it has been almost 5 years. But everytime there is a special occasion in C's life, your absence is magnified even more.

I missed you when the principal called to say that he placed 2nd in the School's Entrance Exam and is eligible for a four year scholarship...

I missed you when he gave his Valedictory address in 8th grade...

I missed you when we attended the Outstanding Student's Banquets at the end of his freshman and sophomore years...

I missed you when he turned 16, then 17...

I missed you when we made the trip to the East Coast to look at colleges...

I missed you when he got his driver's license...

I missed you when received the college acceptances...

I missed you during the trip to Stanford for Admit Week...

And next Friday during the Commencement Exercises when C gives his speech, I know I will miss you. Auntie W will be sitting on the seat you were supposed to occupy if cancer did not take you from us...

I just want to let you know that C has turned into a wonderful young man - sleeps a lot and has trouble parking but a caring, sensitive son, brother and friend nonetheless. You were his prayer warrior when he was growing up. Every single one of those prayers were answered by the looks of it.

And I want to thank you for that.

I miss you, Mom. When I get to heaven, you'll be the first person I'm going to look for. Then we'll catch up.

Until then...

Love,
T