Counting God's Gifts

"Ingratitude is a sin." - Chuck Missler, Koinonia Institute, Haggai/Malachi class

I did a double take when I heard it, not because it was foreign to me, but because I have heard it before.

From all of our beginnings we keep reliving the Garden story.

Satan, he wanted more. More power, more glory. Ultimately in his essence, Satan is an ingrate. And he sinks his venom in the heart of Eden. Satan's sin becomes the first sin of humanity: the sin of ingratitude. Adam and Eve are simply, painfully, ungrateful for what God gave.

Isn't that the catalyst of all my sins?

Our fall was, has always been, and always will be, that we aren't satisfied in God, in what He gives. We hunger for something more. Something other."

- Ann Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts, page 9.

After reading this book. I started keeping my own list of One Thousand Gifts. That was February 13, 2011. I started with 7 or 8 per day. There was always something, even something small. Little did I know God was using this practice of looking daily for His blessings, to help me focus on Him six weeks later. It was then I realized not all gifts are good and easy. In fact, some blessings are downright hard.

My then 10-year old son, "Phineas," came down with a headache that Thursday morning. It did not go away even after the Tylenol I gave him before going to school. He stayed home the next day and the fever still didn't go away. On top of it he was acting really strange and I could not understand what he was saying. I told him, "Son, if this is an April Fool's joke, it's not very funny." When we went to Urgent Care, the doctor took one look at him and sent us to Children's Hospital for a possible brain inflammation. He was admitted to Children's Hospital with a meningitis diagnosis- viral, the good kind, they said. Then he was discharged - prematurely, I thought - two days later.

I was right.

By Wednesday night I found myself calling 911. We found ourselves back to Children's ER in the early hours of Thursday, April 7th. It was to the longest day of our lives but the practice of listing my gifts continued:

558. A son being carried by his Dad

559. No waiting in the ER! (This was a first)

560. Prayer requests sent at 3:16 a.m. to my sisters-in-Christ across the country

561. Response at 3:18 a.m. from Tennesee

562. Phone call from North Carolina

563. Real men do cry (my husband).

P's condition continued to deteriorate. By 11:00 a.m., he was non-responsive and it was the most frightening thing I have ever seen. My normally vibrant, intelligent, talkative son has been reduced to someone catatonic with a vacant stare. I had just downloaded YouVersion on my phone and decided to play the Psalms in audio. I held it over him and prayed that God's word can penetrate the recesses of his brain. When they were ready to take him to the CT scan I leaned over and whispered, "Son, I don't know if you can hear me but all those bible verses you've memorized for the Awana Bible Quiz and the Bible Bee? I need you to think about those right now, okay?"

The CT scan came back normal and they scheduled an MRI and his 3rd spinal tap at 3:00 p.m. After the MRI:

572. Nurse was paying attention when P had the seizure and aspirated

573. Running, running to his room - it felt like forever

574. Code Blue and all medical personnel descending to his room

I don't think I will ever forget turning around and seeing my husband, the one who has been indifferent to God, huddled under a desk, tears and terror in his eyes. This particular son - this is his "Isaac." The hospital personnel took us to a different room where we prayed. My husband was on his knees the whole time. They eventually stabilized P, moved him to the ICU and hooked him to a ventilator. They sent my husband and I (and by this time, our older son who insisted on flying back from college when he learned P was sick) home. I wrote down every blessing that day. I ended up with 55. It was the most I have ever written.

P spent a week in ICU and 4 more weeks in recovery. Some days were good (646. He opened his eyes) and some were difficult like finding out that it wasn't just meningitis but something else that affected not only his brain but also his spinal cord. The neurologist was not sure if he will be the same again. But every night without fail, as soon as I finish making my makeshift bed and he is asleep, I take my red notebook out and write my blessings. And I found this to be true:

"It is suffering that has the realest possibility to bear down and deliver grace…emptiness itself can birth the fullness of grace because in the emptiness we have the opportunity to turn to God, the only begetter of grace, and there find all the fullness of joy…" Ann Voskamp, OneThousand Gifts

Looking back, I am amazed at what God has done. I belong to a group of sister believers who pray for our unsaved/not walking with the Lord spouses - their husbands started praying when they heard about what happened to my son. God kept me healthy even with minimal sleep. I did not get sick at all and I was not even crabby. The peace that passes understanding in Philippians 4:7? I experienced that. The prayers of faithful (Awana family, church, online friends) sustained us. God introduced me to other families in the ICU and I was able to minister to them. And the most amazing thing of all? After my son was discharged on May 6, my husband came to church with us that following Sunday. I have been praying for that for 7 years and tried everything in my arsenal from manipulation to guilt. Nothing worked. Until God stepped in. And His timing was perfect. It was the best Mother's Day ever.

This is the first time I am putting this experience in writing. I wish I could tell you everything that happened during and after those weeks. I just wanted to share my testimony for whomever may need it today. Let this be my offering of gratitude to God for what He has given us.

Psalm 136:1-3

¹O give thanks unto the LORD; for he is good: for his mercy endureth for ever.

²O give thanks unto the God of gods: for his mercy endureth for ever.

³O give thanks to the Lord of lords: for his mercy endureth for ever.

God still works miracles, in ways we never expect. He restored my son. He is restoring my husband and our marriage. I don't want to forget -- and waste His gift, ever.

Hello, again!

It has been a while!

God and I have been on a ride these past few months. But that is another post. For today, let's start with something light.

My husband just came back from a business trip in Japan. Usually when he comes back from a trip, he brings some sort of cold virus with him. But not this time! There's nothing like experiencing two 6.0 magnitude aftershocks to make one's immune system go on high alert and behave.

Anyway he brought some goodies with him.

Pretty, right? I don't know what's in them but I love the colors.

For the boys, he bought this for our older son:

You use the hammer on top of his head to knock off the colored cylinders so his head connects to his base. Loud!

And then this mysterious box for our young one. We can't figure out how to open it. It's a 12-piece puzzle. Both of them tried it and they have only gone as far as to move two slots:

Finally, for me. He said he chose this dessert that is very special because it is only good for two days! We must consume it! Immediately! So, while he headed for the Baggage Claim section, I carefully unwrapped the package and saw these:

Uh-oh, I think we're too late.

He laughed. No, that's how it looks! Go ahead and try it. Since I love him, I ate one. But only after he did.

And we are still alive. (But in case it is a slow acting mutant virus, go ahead and change the caption to the picture as "Exhibit A")

It's good to be back.

Such is Life

I am amused at the dichotomy in our marriage right now.

He is on a business trip staying at a hotel where the president of the country is having a meeting.

Me? I am trying to unclog the toilet courtesy of my conveniently-back-to-college son.

Still, I can't complain. We are doing family devotions every Sunday now (well, when he's here) and he is listening and paying attention.

Life is good. Even if the toilet is winning for now.

Will He Ever Know?

As I sit here, I wonder if my husband will ever know:

• That I pray for him everyday?
• That I fast on his behalf once a week?
• That I have shed more tears in my life for him?
• That the answers to his questions are all in the Book?
• That he is supposed to "leave and cleave"?
• That he is the spiritual head of our home?
• That he is loved more than he can even imagine?

If only he will let Him?

Happy New Dream

Our pastor always gives us a word for the year. For 2010, that word is HOPE.

It's a good thing, too because 2010 did not start the way I imagined it.

For Christmas, a friend gave me a copy of Hinds' Feet on High Places. As I read it though, I have this weird feeling that I am living the book! Has that ever happened to you? Lately, I have noticed that my journey seems to parallel that of little Much Afraid. I had some inkling into it when the word "wilderness" kept popping up for me the last couple of weeks. I suppose in preparation of what is to come. Sure going to the High Places sounds magnificent and I would like to reach new heights for God but I'm not thrilled that for her guides He chose Sorrow and Suffering. (I'm not big on sorrow nor suffering.)

My husband and I are having trouble communicating with each other - mostly about the "leaving and cleaving" concept. When is he going to realize he is not his family's savior? He cannot keep trying to rescue them from the consequences of their choices.

I spent the first night of the new year - our 24th wedding anniversary, in fact - soaking my pillow with tears and wondering if we will even reach our silver anniversary. Hello, Sorrow and Suffering. Nice to meet you.

I couldn't stand crying in bed anymore because it was getting hard to breathe. I grabbed the book and sought solace in the bathroom. God and I had a throne to Throne conversation. It was mostly me pouring my heart out to God. Calling on Jesus to intervene in our marriage. When I opened the book, where does Much Afraid find herself? There on the Shores of Loneliness where she was accosted by Resentment, Bitterness, Self-Pity and Pride. Funny, they certainly kept me company last night, too.

Yet in the midst of it all were glimmers of hope. Right there on page 83, "Weeping may endure for a night but joy cometh in the morning." So I went to bed clinging to the book and whispering to myself Acceptance-with-Joy. Acceptance-with-Joy. Sleep finally came.

Well, it is now the next day and I have been cleaning my craft room. DH left to go - to his parents' house? or poker with the guys? - so "joy" isn't here yet. But in my cleaning I found a book by Billy Graham entitled Answers to Life's Problems. Haven't seen this book in awhile. There it was - a chapter on marital problems. I paused to read. Love is not a feeling. It is a commitment. Like Much Afraid, I tuck that pebble in my pocket. Then I came across Charles Stanley's letter from January 2009. I was going to shred it because it's a year old but stopped to read it. It was about a woman who was having marital problems. I felt like it was written for me. No matter what your situation or circumstance, there is hope for you...Your friends or family may walk way, but God never abandons you...The key to triumph in your trials is not your ability to face them - but your total reliance on God's grace. So trust Him, and be assured that 2009 (I crossed it to say 2010) will be one of your best years ever if you simply obey the Father and leave all the consequences to Him." Another pebble to tuck in my pocket.

So for this new year, no matter how it looks around me - or what the next chapter says, I choose to look up. Up to my Heavenly Father who wants the best for me. I also choose to trust. I choose to obey. Most of all, I choose to hope. The hope of the restoration of my marriage to heights it has never seen before. Up in the High Places.

The book has a happy ending, right?

To: My dear daughter, Happy Birthday. From: God

My birthday happened to fall on the same week as the Moms In Touch conference. I already received an early present from God that day in the form of an immediate answer to prayer regarding my son (see one post ago).

I did not know He wasn't done yet. Among the gifts I received were:

1. From a dear sister in Christ: The One Year Chronological Bible NLT so I can participate in Wendy Pope's bible study next year and from my sister, a very cute bible cover to go with it.

2. From my women's group: Gift cards to amazon.com and a department store.

3. From God: MY HUSBAND GOT SAVED.

Yes, dear friends, THAT husband. The one whose salvation I have been praying for eversince I became a Christian five years ago. The one who was the reason for starting this blog in the first place. The one who's responsible for most of the tears I have cried in my lifetime. God must have seen the number of vials lining up in His throne room and decided it was time.

The sheaves are in!

I thought it was going to be like any other birthday. To my surprise DH decided to cancel his meetings, took the day off and we spent the day together. It was a perfect day - I went nowhere near our stove! We went out for breakfast, lunch and we had dinner at my Dad's. As my present, he agreed to attend the mid-week church service with me, albeit reluctantly.

I've got to give props to God because, my, I have never seen my pastor preach like that before. He was ON FIRE! Everything flowed. He talked about choices - stand with the world, or stand for Christ. At the end of the service, my pastor did an altar call. Head bowed, eyes closed, raise your hand if you accept Jesus as your Savior. I thought I detected movement but I wasn't sure. I could not even ask him after the service in case he said no. All I remember is that during the entire service I was holding on to Jesus' robe, praying, not letting go, pleading and begging, "PleaseGodpleaseGodpleaseGodpleaseGodpleaseGod. Soften his heart. PleaseGodpleaseGodpleaseGod."

Ten days later, I found out God answered. I finally had the nerve to ask DH if he raised his hand. He said yes. Wow! It was a tender moment. Having been married to me for 23 years, he asked that I please let him walk with Jesus in his own way and his own terms. Why, of course, honey.

But my usual impatient self was in high gear. Why aren't things changing? Why the silent treatment two days ago? Should I give him a bible? Enroll him in a home fellowship? What devotions can we do? Most of all, when can he take over as the spiritual leader of our home? I was eager to "help" him. Tell me what to do, Lord?

My answer came the next day during the Sunday service. I don't remember the context but my pastor mentioned a quote from Ruth Graham: "It is my job to love Billy. It is God's job to make him good."

Ah. Amen.

Best birthday ever. Thank you, Jesus!

When the "D" in DH does not mean "dear"...

Today is my Dh's birthday. I made a card for him the other night. And I am thankful for that because had I made it LAST night, it would be a VERY, VERY different version.

This is the version from the other night:
I used espresso colored cardstock (Bazzill - the best!) accented with blue. The cover read: The Things I Love About You. Inside I stuck some chipboard that said, "your smile," "your laugh," "your sense of humor," "your hugs" and a big one that said "i love everything about you." And added my own little notes to go with each. Ahhhhh, add in the rainbows and unicorns and we're set.

This is what it would have been had I made it last night:
It would be on a cheap construction paper. Black to match his heart. The inscription would read:
Where the heck were you when I was trying to reach you this afternoon???? Your son had a really bad asthma attack! We're 30 miles from home - and his inhaler. Why were you not picking up your darn phone? You are an insensitive and selfish lout and I hope you choke on your steak.

Harsh, right?

I did not even want to give him the "other night" card this morning - thinking he did not deserve it. I was still so mad! I was mad-reading through my Psalms and Proverbs, when I came across this:

Psalm 126: 5-6
Those who sow in tears shall reap in joy. He who continually goes forth weeping, bearing seed for sowing, shall doubtless come again with rejoicing, bringing his sheaves with him.

Yes, I have been sowing in tears, begging God to soften my husband's heart. And days like yesterday I get disheartened that it may never happen. But that phrase caught my attention: Shall doubtless come again with rejoicing, bringing his sheaves with him.

Sheaves? What are sheaves? (Because I was focused on the "rejoicing" part.)

Dictionary.com said sheaves is a plural of sheaf. O-kay, that was helpful. When I clicked on sheaf it said: 1. A bundle of cut stalks of grain or similar plants bound with straw or twine.

It did not make sense at first but the Holy Spirit just reminded me - very patiently, I might add:

Holy Spirit: It means a harvest.

Me: Huh, what? (I'm not a morning person.)

Holy Spirit: From the seeds you've been sowing in tears. You know, your prayers? (I can imagine Him saying "duh!" and sighing as He tells me this. Is the Holy Spirit allowed to sigh?) Don't stop praying. It's coming.

Me: Oh!

God's grace just amazes me. And His patience and mercy. Even in the midst of my anger and resentment, He comes in and comforts me with just the right words to keep me going. I may not see any changes now. It may even look worse than before, but a harvest is coming. I don't even know if my husband knows about it. He is in for a ride.

We serve an awesome God.

Now, I'm off to wish my husband a happy birthday. And mean it.

Update: I did call after I hit the "publish post" button. My attitude was totally different from when I started typing the title. I had a smile in my heart and my face and said "Happy Birthday!!!" I don't think he was expecting a call considering my icy attitude this morning because he sounded surprised. He thanked me for the card. I did not even mention anything about last night.
I cried after I hung up the phone. Tears of gratitude and praise brimming in my eyes because I see - truly see - God's hand in this. He really has the power to change hearts. Mine, definitely this morning in the span of an hour and his, well, sometime in the future.
Thank you, Jesus. Thank you, Lord! I'm looking forward to that harvest.

Finally...an answer

A few posts back, God asked, "Will you love him for me? I could not answer Him then. And honestly, I was hoping God will just forget about it and let me move on. Well, God did not forget, but I sure acted like He did. Days, weeks and months passed.

During this avoidance period, I hid behind the excuses that my flesh gave me: You can't because you're sick, you're tired. He's a jerk. Oh, and let's not forget Pride. Pride certainly got in the way. It got in collusion with Flesh and they both told me what I wanted to hear: Why should you bother to try? He doesn't even pay attention. He doesn't care. It's so nice when he's not here, you don't have to worry about cooking dinner every night. So peaceful! And here's the kicker: He's a selfish man and he doesn't deserve you!!!

Oh, they were convenient excuses, justifiable ones even and pleasant to the ears. But, I did not realize Pride was slowly but methodically destroying my marriage. And I almost let it.

But God...

Yesterday morning, He put it in my heart that the time has come. God wants His answer.

Last night, I was doing the dishes, and helping my younger son* memorize his verses for the upcoming BibleBee competition.

*Disclaimer: His motives for memorizing the verses are less than holy - he was doing it so he could reclaim the videogame I have been holding hostage for such a time as this. (Yes, I had to resort to our very own Verses for Videogames program. Oh, it was so frustrating! I have been on him for the last five months to get started and he wouldn't listen to me! Uh-oh. Oh.my.gosh. as I typed that it came to me - I was doing the same thing to God!)

I was only half paying attention to the memorization because the impending "talk" was foremost in my thoughts. My son came to me with the sixth verse:

Joshua 1:9 "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."

It stopped me in my tracks. While I listened to my son's teeny, sweet 9 year-old voice recite that verse, I know I'm hearing from the Lord. Those sure sounded like marching orders to me. Suddenly I knew what to do: I need to humble myself and apologize to my husband. I could not avoid it any longer.
So, after much prayer and anxiety and more, "Son-can-you-repeat-Joshua-1:9-for-me,-please?", I finally talked to my husband. It wasn't easy. He was watching the World Series of Poker. He had that glazed expression in his eyes that is achingly familiar to me. I have seen that expression many times before. It made it easier to build my defenses, my wall. Pride reminded me, "Can you really go through with this? You already know what he's going to say. And you're going to feel slighted because he won't react the way you pictured it in your head."

But God also had something to say, "It's not about you, is it? It's about him. Look at him, you know deep down he's hurting. You know he's searching. He is my prodigal son and I want him back. Will you help me?"
It's about time I listened to God.

I told him: "(Deep breath) I have to apologize to you. Uhm, God put it in my heart that I have not been loving you the right way. I apologize for not loving you unconditionally. I use being tired as an excuse to not even try. I am sorry to say that I almost gave up on our marriage. So, uhm, I'm really sorry." Or something along those semi-coherent lines.

He nodded then turned up the volume. I don't even know if what I said will make a difference. But I choose to trust God who urged me to go forward. I pray that the bumbling words that left my lips were sifted and blessed by the Lord - that it went through His prodigal's ears, all the way to his heart.


We'll just have to wait and see.

"Will You Love Him for Me?"

In that time between awake and asleep, God asked me that question.

I couldn't answer Him. Not right away anyway. I got up and the question kept coming "Will you love him for Me?"

But why does "he" make it so hard, Lord? Did you hear him when I asked him why he was up so early? A simple question, right? I know you heard him snarl, "WHAT TIME DO YOU THINK I SHOULD GET UP?"

Huh?

I left for work with tears in my eyes.

Lord, you know he has been like that the last few days -- years, really. I know he is busy at work. I know he is worried about the court hearing. I know Mother's Day is coming up and he did not bother to get me anything. Again. I know all that.

I understand the stress. Really, I do.

It's the same stress I feel when he refuses to work on the budget with me. It's the same stress I feel when he does not do what he says he is going to do. It's the same stress I feel when I see him -- or rather, don't see him on weekends because he is at his parents' house. You know, the one with the stalker.

Why does he make it so difficult?

You might as well ask me to hold my breath for three days, Lord, it might be easier than loving my husband. Oh, I've done that. Held my breath for three days and came back to life.

Yeah, well, you're God, I'm not. Look to Me, I will help you.

But it hurts. I know.

You trust Me? Yes. I don't know, maybe. It really hurts, Lord. I'm sorry. I can't answer that right now.

The Fast for the Furious

God is answering my prayer. At least that's what my pastor said when I told him that my husband, Agent G still has not spoken to me since election night. Maybe the walls are crumbling down bit by bit. I'm just getting hit by the bricks. And they hurt. A lot.

His sister, Major M came on Saturday and I was nice and cordial. Agent G ignored me. I guess I have my invisibility powers back again.

So, yesterday God impressed upon my heart to fast for Agent G. For the whole day. I have only done partial fasts before and by 10:00 a.m. my stomach is usually a-grumblin' and a-growlin'. Not this time, though. I prayed and read the bible. I waited but the hunger pangs did not come not during breakfast, lunch nor dinnertimes. I felt a little light headed but now I know what they mean when they said things will be clearer to you.

Yes, they were.

James 4:3 spoke to me. Am I asking for prayer for him for my own pleasure? I had to pause and think about that. Maybe I was thinking that if he's saved, our marriage will be all roses and rainbows.

Then I thought long and hard. I want him to be saved so he will have peace. And maybe the lunacy -- for lack of a better word, no actually, it's pretty accurate -- will go away. I pray that the spirit of anger and insecurity that so beset him be cast out in the name of Jesus!

The readings gave me hope. So I kept going...

Ezekiel 37 about the dry bones that God restored. Yes, there's hope.

1 Cor 7:10 about the wife of an unbeliever.
God wants us to stay married. So I will obey. I will stay the course. I just need to get out of the way of those falling bricks and take shelter under Jesus Christ, the Rock of my Salvation.

Thank you, Lord.

Happy Birthday to me!

My husband has been ignoring me since election night. Yes, Senator McCain's loss deeply affected him.

Okay, when I write that out it makes him sound weird.

No, the real reason is because I expressed concerns about my sister-in-law's upcoming visit. We'll call her Major M. Usually when Major M visits, she has a mission. See their other sister, "L" (her real name begins with this letter, I do not imply that it means Loser) is back in our country of origin after a one year stint in the Middle East. "L" is being supported financially by Major M and my in-laws so that she could continue to:

a) be financially irresponsible,
b) commit adultery with a married man,
c) con their relatives there out of their social security numbers and
d) steal their identities.

In turn, Major M rewards this type of behavior by giving "L" free rent, free tuition for her son, and financing her next trip to France, or Canada, or wherever the pot o' gold is this time.

I did not get the memo that if I try to say ~ gently, even ~ that we will not be a part of this "financing" anymore, that my husband will get up from the couch, leave, go to his parents' house and give me the silent treatment.

This scene has been played in different variations hundreds of times in our 22 years of marriage.

Yet somehow this time it's different...

I'm not crying all alone in my room, putting up a brave front in front of the kids and getting despondent. Yes, I am sad especially today because it's my birthday but I'm surprisingly...fine. Either I have given up or my faith is growing. I prefer to think the latter.

See, I have been praying for God to soften my husband's heart and bring down the walls he built lo these many years.

In 1992, his beloved grandmother died. She was the one who raised him when his parents could not take care of him. Before he left the old country, he promised her that he would come back to see her again. But he never did. When she died, he was new to his job and we had our first baby. Somehow, he never forgave himself for this. That's when the walls started coming up. Brick by brick. Offense by offense. And, unfortunately, I have been on the outskirts of those walls.

Still, I know God is working behind the scenes. I can't see it, but I know it. And whatever happens to me or to our marriage, I know God is with me. Any experience I go through has passed through His hands. He has appointed it and will see me through it.

And that's what keeps me joyful. Welcome to my blog.