On Letting Go

Lord,

My firstborn son is now 18. Where has the time gone? In a couple of months, he is heading off to college. He will be on his own. May I confess something? It terrifies me.

Do You remember the prayers that I have prayed for him daily? There were different variations but they were more or less prayers for his safety. I had no clue what I was doing when we took him home from the hospital. I felt inadequate and overwhelmed. I still do some days. But somehow he managed to thrive and grow -- inspite of his inexperienced parents.

Can you stand one more prayer? It is this: may he fulfill the purpose You have in mind for him long before he was born.

I cannot go where he is going (although I had a dream the other night that I am enrolled in his English class). I cannot tell him what to do. Or more importantly, what NOT to do. I cannot protect him. But, Lord, I know You can. I hold on to Your promise that You will never leave him nor forsake him. There is no safer place for him to be than in Your care. He is his own person now.

Thank you Lord, for giving him to me. He is a wonderful son - kind, patient (must not be hereditary), funny, gentle and compassionate.
And now, Lord I give him back to you. I hope I have raised him to Your satisfaction.

On Obedience

Saturday morning I found myself in the middle of the Concourse. Looking into trashcans. In the rain.

What am I doing here?, I asked myself as I cautiously eyed a homeless man doing the same thing on the opposite side. Great, now, he thinks he has competition.

God brought me there.

The night before the place was teeming with freshly minted high school graduates and their proud parents. Leis of orchids. Balloons. A sea of purple robes amidst flashing lightbulbs.

We made it through the graduation ceremony. Pomp and Circumstance (I cried). His speech (I was nervous). The commencement speaker asked the boys to thank their parents. Son looked back, I caught his eye and we both smiled (I cried, yet again). I love my son and the connection we have.

When it was all over, he had to seek all his friends. He gave me the cards that were given to him from the time they exited to when we finally found him. Forty-five minutes it took to say goodbye to everyone.

When we got home, he opened the cards he received. But one was missing. He was sure that his grade school principal handed him an envelope. We could not find it. He also lost the "2009" pin from his tassel.

Which led me to Saturday morning. God put it in my heart to go back and look for the envelope and the pin.

Um, really, Lord? We have to get ready for his graduation party at 2:00 p.m. You want me to drive all the way downtown to look for an envelope and a pin?

How do you know when it's God and when you are just sleep deprived?

So I went. Found a parking meter and put my quarter in. It gave me 12 minutes.

I saw remnants of purple orchids, little pieces of paper, a new sweater (I know it's new because the tag from Ross was still there), lots of Starbucks cups but I did not find the envelope, nor the pin. I did find a brand new book on Quantum Mechanics on top of the trashcan. I took that with me thinking someone must have left it behind from last night. But why were they reading during a graduation ceremony? And Quantum Mechanics of all things.

As I was walking aimlessly from trashcan to trashcan I thought of Abraham when God asked him to leave his family and go to a place where He will lead him. Did Abraham have the same questions I had? Did he feel foolish like I did? Did he have to look through trashcans?

I don't know.

I also don't know why I went there that morning.

As I was heading out to the car, I saw a homeless woman a few feet away. She was securing something in her shopping cart. Should I? I was fearful but I approached her, took the $20 from my purse, handed it to her and said "God bless you." She said "God bless you" back and I walked away.

I had a minute left in the meter.

Dear Mom

I don't know if you get updates in heaven but guess what? The high school called to tell me that C is the class Salutatorian! Can you believe it?!?

But I can't tell him until Friday because they want to surprise him during the awards ceremony. The secretary told me we can have more than the allotted 8 tickets. And we get VIP front row seats, too. All I need to do is to give her the names of the attendees.

So I e-mailed G to tell him of his son's accomplishment. He's in Barcelona right now. And we were in the middle of an inter-continental tiff but all that is all water under the bridge now. (I hope.)

I was bursting with pride. But when I called Auntie W to share the news and ask if she could go in your place, suddenly I was bursting in tears.

The reality of your death hit me again. I know it has been almost 5 years. But everytime there is a special occasion in C's life, your absence is magnified even more.

I missed you when the principal called to say that he placed 2nd in the School's Entrance Exam and is eligible for a four year scholarship...

I missed you when he gave his Valedictory address in 8th grade...

I missed you when we attended the Outstanding Student's Banquets at the end of his freshman and sophomore years...

I missed you when he turned 16, then 17...

I missed you when we made the trip to the East Coast to look at colleges...

I missed you when he got his driver's license...

I missed you when received the college acceptances...

I missed you during the trip to Stanford for Admit Week...

And next Friday during the Commencement Exercises when C gives his speech, I know I will miss you. Auntie W will be sitting on the seat you were supposed to occupy if cancer did not take you from us...

I just want to let you know that C has turned into a wonderful young man - sleeps a lot and has trouble parking but a caring, sensitive son, brother and friend nonetheless. You were his prayer warrior when he was growing up. Every single one of those prayers were answered by the looks of it.

And I want to thank you for that.

I miss you, Mom. When I get to heaven, you'll be the first person I'm going to look for. Then we'll catch up.

Until then...

Love,
T

"Will You Love Him for Me?"

In that time between awake and asleep, God asked me that question.

I couldn't answer Him. Not right away anyway. I got up and the question kept coming "Will you love him for Me?"

But why does "he" make it so hard, Lord? Did you hear him when I asked him why he was up so early? A simple question, right? I know you heard him snarl, "WHAT TIME DO YOU THINK I SHOULD GET UP?"

Huh?

I left for work with tears in my eyes.

Lord, you know he has been like that the last few days -- years, really. I know he is busy at work. I know he is worried about the court hearing. I know Mother's Day is coming up and he did not bother to get me anything. Again. I know all that.

I understand the stress. Really, I do.

It's the same stress I feel when he refuses to work on the budget with me. It's the same stress I feel when he does not do what he says he is going to do. It's the same stress I feel when I see him -- or rather, don't see him on weekends because he is at his parents' house. You know, the one with the stalker.

Why does he make it so difficult?

You might as well ask me to hold my breath for three days, Lord, it might be easier than loving my husband. Oh, I've done that. Held my breath for three days and came back to life.

Yeah, well, you're God, I'm not. Look to Me, I will help you.

But it hurts. I know.

You trust Me? Yes. I don't know, maybe. It really hurts, Lord. I'm sorry. I can't answer that right now.

On Fear and Faith

The ride home was quiet. My heart was gripped with fear. My husband and I were just discussing the possibility of filing a restraining order against a man who promised my brother-in-law a bullet in the head.

Nice, right?

He relayed this message through my husband. As a result, said man was arrested and jailed - and I'm guessing, must be pretty ticked off at my husband right now.

What to do next?

The restraining order seems like a logical step. But I did not know whether he should put my name and the names of our children in the form.

The enemy shouted, "WHAT IF CRAZY GUY COMES AFTER YOUR CHILDREN?"
I heard that. Loud and clear. And I was shaken and scared.

Lord, what do I do?"

I asked my husband to drop me off by the mailbox to get the week's mail.

I did not know that God was waiting for me there.

In the midst of the junk mail and bills was the May issue of InTouch magazine. The cover article? STANDING FIRM. Ahhh, I felt like God just gave me a big HUG.

"It is important to know

what you are facing, but it is

also important to know

WHO is in control

of all things."

Paragraph after paragraph were words of comfort and assurance. God even included the verse that I read to my mother over and over again during her last days in ICU. It is one of my favorite verses and He reminded me:

Do not fear for I am with you, do not be afraid for I am your God

I will strengthen you, yes I will help you.

I will uphold you with My righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10

The enemy's words earlier faded into oblivion.

God's timing amazes me. I could have picked up the mail the day before and the magazine would probably be still in a pile, unread. But He knew I needed to see those words today. He knew I would be scared. He knew I needed comfort. Fast.

Oh, thank you, Lord!

Wait, there's more! You want to know the best part? My husband whom I have been trying and trying to get to the Lord, read the article. Before me! And - he liked it! Amazing! God sure works in mysterious ways.
Seeing my husband sitting there, reading InTouch, my heart was filled with gratitude and prayer (Please, Lord, soften his heart).
I could not help but sing,
"God You're so good to me, You've always been good to me. I sing it through eternity, God You're so good."
All is well. Thank you, my sweet Jesus.

Praying for a miracle

for a darling little girl named Brooke Mulford. She is four years old and is battling Stage 4 Neuroblastoma. I've never met her - she lives on the other side of the coast. But somehow, God brought her to my attention. We prayed for her at church and her story just touched my heart. See for yourself:

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/brookemulford

The Fast for the Furious

God is answering my prayer. At least that's what my pastor said when I told him that my husband, Agent G still has not spoken to me since election night. Maybe the walls are crumbling down bit by bit. I'm just getting hit by the bricks. And they hurt. A lot.

His sister, Major M came on Saturday and I was nice and cordial. Agent G ignored me. I guess I have my invisibility powers back again.

So, yesterday God impressed upon my heart to fast for Agent G. For the whole day. I have only done partial fasts before and by 10:00 a.m. my stomach is usually a-grumblin' and a-growlin'. Not this time, though. I prayed and read the bible. I waited but the hunger pangs did not come not during breakfast, lunch nor dinnertimes. I felt a little light headed but now I know what they mean when they said things will be clearer to you.

Yes, they were.

James 4:3 spoke to me. Am I asking for prayer for him for my own pleasure? I had to pause and think about that. Maybe I was thinking that if he's saved, our marriage will be all roses and rainbows.

Then I thought long and hard. I want him to be saved so he will have peace. And maybe the lunacy -- for lack of a better word, no actually, it's pretty accurate -- will go away. I pray that the spirit of anger and insecurity that so beset him be cast out in the name of Jesus!

The readings gave me hope. So I kept going...

Ezekiel 37 about the dry bones that God restored. Yes, there's hope.

1 Cor 7:10 about the wife of an unbeliever.
God wants us to stay married. So I will obey. I will stay the course. I just need to get out of the way of those falling bricks and take shelter under Jesus Christ, the Rock of my Salvation.

Thank you, Lord.